Hickey Lashes Out At Team

Walpole, MA – Star-forward Sean Hickey has found himself in hot-water, after ill-timed comments about his contract situation with the Penguins. Hickey made the comments during a Penguins fundraiser to raise money for children suffering from MOD (Mick O’Meara’s Disease). MOD is an incurable disease where children unexplainably begin blowing-chunks into a barrel after skating on the ice for more than a minute. Hickey made negative comments about the organization, and about not feeling appreciated by the Penguins.

"I really don't think that personally I'm appreciated," he said during a 12-minute monologue, which took place while one MOD patient, little Timmy Horner was throwing-up in a waste-basket. "I mean [expletive] everyone! If the front-office doesn’t have time to talk to me about my contract then [expletive] them! On a side note, I could give two-[expletive] about little Timmy and this whole MOD disease! Let them throw-up all over there [expletive] faces as far as I’m concerned! Show me the [expletive] money damn it!”

Aside from the statements being completely ill-timed, Hickey still has 12 years left on his contract. His comments took the Penguins front-office by surprise.

“Honestly, who talks to a player about a new contract when there are 12 years left?” questioned Adam Dingle, Penguins attorney. “Our organization was quick to lock-up Hickey for an extended period of time because of his talent, but we are not going to be held hostage to his ridiculous demands. We just signed him to 12-years last month.”

Hickey’s agent was in agreement with Hickey however, and thinks that his client is being disrespected by the organization because his client is ‘too good’.

“I don’t care if there are one-hundred years left on Mr. Hickey’s contract,” responded Hickey’s agent, Burt Sticker. “When are they going to talk to us? In eleven years when his contract is almost over?! I don’t think so! I can say that we have made it clear at the start of this 12-year contract that we wanted to go immediately into negotiations for an extension. This is absolutely bull-[expletive]! It is obvious my client is too good for this team.”

When a reporter caught-up with Hickey in the parking lot after practice, Hickey would not back down from his earlier comments.

“I’ll drive over to the hospital and stick a stake in little Timmy Horners heart,” stated the angry player. “I’ll destroy all those up-chucking MOD sons-of-bitches! I want a contract damn it! I want another 12 years thrown on top of my 12 years, and then we can negotiate for an extension after that. I think that is fair considering how good I really am! If the Penguins don’t come to the table soon, I will be forced to sit-out training camp. I know that the fans are in my court on this one! They understand my predicament of only having 12-years of multi-million dollar security! I’m worried about feeding myself for Gods Sake! How can I do that on such a lame contract?”

Players, coaches and fans alike are actually shocked by Hickey’s comments. Hickey has been a fan favorite, ever since his first night on the ice for the Penguins, when he got a natural hat-trick (three goals per period). However these comments are rubbing some players the wrong way.

“He has a contract?” asked Curchin during a phone interview from his home. “I didn’t know we had contracts. Does he actually get paid? I’m pissed now! I’m not bringing anymore of my father’s aged 2005 beer to the locker-room! They can all eat [expletive]! I hate myself. MOM! Meatloaf!”

Coach Douchey was unavailable for comment, but Penguins forward Wilmot had this to say;

“I don’t care if Hickey wants a 30-year extension! Do whatever it takes damn it! Who is going to score our goals, the OML [Old Man Line]? Guertin? Me? Sign the crazy son-of-a-bitch now, damn it! I don’t want to be a loser anymore!”

When the smoke clears, there will surely be repercussions for the team that will spill over onto the ice. Many fans have begun burning their Hickey hockey jerseys in effigy. And little Timmy Horner has removed the #25 tattoo he had in commemoration of his idol Sean Hickey.

"Hickey tattooed my son damn it," cried Timmy's mom. "Who the [expletive]tattoos a sick child in his sleep? My son is only 8-years old...besides, his favorite player is Youngblood, not Hickey!"