Walpole, MA – Bizarre circumstances, surround the recent placement of Penguins Captain, Chris Eighmy, onto the Penguins PUP list. With his contract extension in-the-air, and his recent public display of disappointment towards the organization, the timing couldn’t be more suspect for being listed as physically unable to perform. The season opener starts tonight, against Analog, and Eighmy will not be in attendance.
“As the captain of the team, he thinks he can do whatever he wants,” commented Phat Lyuh, spokesman for the Penguins. “Unfortunately for him, the organization does not agree. The Penguins front-office will fine Eighmy $3.50 per day until he reports back-in on the active roster list.”
Unfortunately for the organization, Eighmy has hired Rick Morris, the attorney who represents ‘The Player Formerly Known as Sally’, who now just goes by the symbol ¥. Morris is known as a cut-throat attorney, who has raked organizations over the coals during past contract negotiations.
“My client ¥, has not played for the team in a number of years,” stated Morris. “¥ and Eighmy are in the same boat. Although Eighmy is injured…or sick…and ¥ was just not asked to play anymore. Other than that they are in the same boat. ¥ and Eighmy will NOT play until they feel better, get a contract extension, or in ¥ case, someone just calls him and tells him he can play. If you guys are missing his number, I can give it to you!”
This news is disappointing, especially to a team that hoped to pick-up the pieces after being tossed out of the playoffs, like a rotting piece of tuna. With the captain out, the team will be forced to face one of their biggest rivals Analog, all alone.
“It is scary,” admitted Curchin from his home. “I mean, what if they want to have a captain’s meeting at center ice? Who goes out? I guess no one from our team. I’m a little concerned of how that will look. Besides, if there is only one captain on the ice, can he decide what happens for both teams, like who should play and not play? If he basis ice-time on performance, that could be really scary in my case. I want to play!”
According to sources close to the situation, the problem is much simpler, and there is actually no sinister plot at all.
“This has nothing to do with a contract negotiation,” responded Eighmy’s mom. “My little Eggy is sick! He has the sniffles and he has a tummy-ache, so I want him to get his rest. There will be no hockey for little Eggy tonight!”
Contract negotiations or tummy-ache, the Penguins are without their fearless leader as they head into the new season tonight in Walpole.
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