Whack-Down in Walpole

Walpole, MA – Some may have forgotten. Others may have tried to erase it from their memories. But not the Provo Penguins. Not this game. Next Monday marks the first time that the Penguins will play the Happy Hour hockey team since the night that the Happy Hour team stacked their roster with everything including NHL players. In the match-up in June, Happy Hour recruited 10-12 ‘A’ level players to fill their bench. At least three of those players had played in the NHL, and of those three, one was still in the NHL.

“I can’t tell you how the team feels,” admitted Penguins Assistant Coach Jeff Ramich. “Hell, until Coach Douchey walked into my office twenty minutes ago, I didn’t even know we were coaching a team in Massachusetts. I have never met this team personally. Along with Douchey, I have been coaching the Toronto Ice Tigers for the past five years. As you can imagine, it comes as a surprise to me that there is actually a Penguins team…and that somehow I’m their assistant coach. I’m angry. Mostly I’m angry at Coach Douchey for not taking this interview and instead throwing this [expletive] over the fence to me. Go [expletive]-yourself and get that [expletive] camera out of my face! Where the [expletive] is Douchey?!”

With less than a week to prepare for the match-up, the Penguins are taking nothing for granted. They have begun a steady diet of Ten-a-Day work-outs, which include preparation for the mind and body. The training is brutal and it is unique. Practice starts with a 26.2 mile marathon run, followed by hill sprints. The following session includes jogging with huge tree-trunks on their backs through the streets of Walpole, while each player is chained to his own school bus. This is all carried out before breakfast.

The afternoon session takes it up several notches. The Penguins rink management team has built a sheet of ice, the size of a rink, which hangs at a 70 degree angle. The players must skate up and back over 100 times, with an open parachute tied to their backs.

“We must prevail,” commented veteran Penguins forward John Lutfy. “We can’t worry about the other team cheating. We can only worry about ourselves. At this point, I’m really worried. I’m serious. I can’t feel my legs at this point, and everything is starting to go dark. I don’t think I will be in the hospital that long, just to get some electrolytes pumped into my ass, and then I’ll be back out for the evening practice. We must win!”

The League itself has been very quiet on the allegations against Happy Hour, and has refused to instate any investigation or any punishment against the team. There are wide-spread rumors in the Penguins locker room, that Chucky Bowler, the captain of the Happy Hour team, is also the illegitimate son of league president Tim Bowler.

“We cannot confirm nor deny any allegations at this time,” cited Happy Hour attorney, Jed Bowler. “What I can say is that there is no validity to anything they are saying. You can ask my other brother Lou Bowler, or my Uncle Jerry Bowler. Whatever the Penguins are saying is untrue. And a DNA test is uncalled for! What will that prove? Since when did DNA become used for determining if someone was related? I say [expletive]! This is another example of the man trying to keep little Chucky Bowler down! This is racist! They hate hockey players!”

Brace yourself for the Whack-down in Walpole next Monday night. While the Penguins plan to show-up with at least 8 players and a goalie, the Happy Hour team has already reached out to the Providence Bruins and the Boston Bruins looking for a little insurance. Wear a helmet! Keep the women and children home! This will prove to be the greatest game of the Penguins lives!