Gentlemen –
As you know, tonight marks the first game of the playoffs. And although I have never met any of you in person, I feel a very strong connection to each and every one of you. Tonight you skate! I would say ‘we’, but as you know I live in Toronto and don’t want to miss a very, very cool re-run of the 1995 Stanley Cup Playoffs that airs at the same time as your game. Of course I could just TiVo it, but that is never quite as much fun as watching the re-run for the first time!
So, tonight YOU skate! Some of you will make it through the night, and I fear some of you will not. As you know this is the biggest game of your young, impressionable lives! If you fail all is lost! There is no recovery from failure! You must bow your loser-heads in shame and NEVER, I repeat NEVER play hockey again!
Of course as I just learned moments ago, it is a double-elimination playoff venue. So don’t go so far as to maim yourselves, unless of course you lose game two as well. We can talk about maiming after the second game if you do end-up losing that game as well.
In any case – ‘be the puck’. Be a frozen, hard puck! And destroy whoever it is you are playing tonight! Destroy them All! Kill them! Tear ‘em up! Let no opposing player come off the ice, without the aid of a paramedic and a stretcher! Put them all in body-bags!
With that said, have fun, and let me know how it goes!
Sincerely,
Coach Douchey
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