Walpole, Ma – Only the Hockey Gods could have imagined a match-up between the Provo Liquor Penguins and the Maple Leafs next Monday night at 8:10pm, to start the playoffs. With nothing but animosity and bitterness running rampant between these two teams, what happens on the ice next week could turn ugly fast, and could leave the ice strewn with battered, bloodied bodies.
The feud between these two teams started long ago, and has become one of the most historic rivalries in sports history; ranking up there with the Red Sox and Yankees, the Canadiens and the Bruins, and the Celtics and the Lakers. In recent years the feud was taken to a new level last year, when Leafs Captain and NESHL President Tim Bowler intentionally changed the Penguins schedule at the last minute, leaving the Penguins scrambling to contact players in order to get to the rink in time for the game. Most recently, Bowler and the league began tampering with the referees and scorekeepers schedules, leaving the Penguins without officiating or a scorekeeper in any of the last three Penguins games.
“We are hockey players,” cited Lou Penzolli, the new Penguins attorney. “What Mr. Bowler did goes beyond what we would consider to be healthy competition. This son-of-a-jack-wagon has hurt the players, the player’s families, the fans and the league as a whole. I would do unspeakable things to this man and his family…I mean if I were not an attorney. Of course we should just handle this in the court of law, I’m just saying there are times that cement-shoes may not be such a bad thing either.”
To add to the intensity, it was recently reported that the Leafs have been lacing the Penguins locker-room shower-water with battery acid, and had planned a hockey Jihad geared at the Penguins players and family. It is clear that these rumors are unsubstantiated, and are a complete fabrication of the truth, but they are still interesting to note.
“I would not put anything past them,” admitted an anonymous source. “I bet that some of those Maple Leafs players are on the FBI most wanted list, just below Whitey Bulger. They are a nasty bunch, and they are ugly.”
Amid all these allegations, there is good news coming out of the Penguins camp. After three players from the team flew down to Hickey’s ranch in Virginia, Hickey was seen boarding a plane back to Boston. Hickey had been contemplating retirement, however, remained undecided until recently. It is expected that Hickey will join the team for practice this morning.
“Hickey may be young,” stated Hickeys agent, Don Peck. “My client is only fifteen years-old. We can debate whether that is too young to retire or not all day long. What my client wants is respect. Until now the Penguins organization has not given that to him. When he wanted blue M&M’s in the locker-room, they put in red. Was this an accident or a slight on my client? No matter, as his agent I will not stand for such nonsense. Besides he is allergic to the red dye in the red M&M’s.”
Another key component to the team, John Lutfy, is also scheduled to make his return Monday night. Lutfy was listed in critical condition after contracting gonorrhea from a Walpole Iorio Rink toilet.
“In some countries, granted third-world countries, they use urine as a sanitizer,” stated Iorio facilities manager, Chris Talmeth. “Of course we could clean the bathrooms once in a while, but that would increase operational costs, and remove vital bacteria growing in the urine and feces that is on the floors and walls. We think this just adds a little something to the overall hockey experience. What would hockey be without things like gonorrhea and gangrene? I’ll tell you what it would be, it would be boring!”
The game is scheduled for Monday at the Iorio arena at 8:10pm. You can be sure that the two fans that were in attendance last week, will be on the edge of their seats at game time. All eyes will be watching to see if the Penguins go ‘two and through’, or if they can make it deep into the playoffs. With Bowler leading the Leafs, all bets are off.
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