Walpole, MA – There is an electricity running through the entire city of Walpole, as Penguins hockey fans across the globe brace themselves for the upcoming playoffs. In the standings, the Penguins ended their regular season in seventh place, and captured their first legitimate playoff berth in over a year. With this honor, also comes the responsibility of living up to the hopes and dreams of Penguins Nation. In seasons past, the playoff season was short-lived for the mighty team, and the reaction on the streets has been anything but forgiving.
“[Expletive]!” barked one fan that stood outside the arena to purchase tickets. “I don’t know if my friggin’ ticker can take it much longer. I’ve been a fan since the days these guys were the Walpole Whalers, and I’m not sure how much more I can take. I buy all their [expletive]. Jerseys, stickers, t-shirts. You name it and I have it. I even have a tattoo that says ‘Penguins Rule!’ on my junk. It is pretty awesome! But if they don’t go deep into the playoffs, I will have the tattoo removed with steel-wool…I mean it!”
The Penguins organization has been nothing but business after officially making the playoffs, and the players have been busy with their 10-a-day workouts. But amid this business veneer, lies some deep secrets that could lead to issues both on and off the ice for the team.
In Canadian Hockey Weekly magazine, it was recently reported that veteran forward Bilbo Raposo has been extradited back to Canada on the alleged grounds of espionage. According to one source, Bilbo had been spying for Canada and had planned to steal the recipe for American Bacon and bring it back to his homeland.
“Canadian bacon is more like ham than bacon,” commented Dickie Wood, owner and proprietor of the Woody Bacon Company. “I mean it is pretty bad, but who the hell steals a bacon recipe? You can just google that [expletive]! Is he Canadian or just retarded?”
As if this were not enough of a distraction for this playoff bound team, it was also rumored that Lutfy, who did not play in the last game, has been diagnosed with Ellsbury-itis. A rare and often season ending disease which can affect the desire to play sports, as well as the ability to stand while urinating.
“My toe is killing me,” cried Lutfy, during a recent phone interview from his hospital bed. “Leave me alone damn it! Can’t you just give me a [expletive] break already?”
Additionally, rumors are swirling that indicate that young Hickey, who has missed the last two games, and has refused to communicate with anyone on the team, was arrested at the Lowes Cinema in Bellingham. According to a ticket attendant, Hickey tried to use a fake I.D. in order to get into an ‘R’ rated movie.
“This is hog-wash,” responded Bud Munch, Hickey’s attorney. “My client did not, nor never has used a fake I.D. to get into any movie. Mr. Hickey knows that you have to be 17 to get into an ‘R’ rated movie, besides, his mom would kill him if she found out. We believe that my client was going to see ‘Furry Vengeance’ and that he was setup by the ticket attendant who is just trying to scam money.”
Whether these rumors remain unsubstantiated or not remains to be seen. In the short-term, the Penguins only have five days to get ready for their first playoff game. With such a short window of opportunity, the team must stay focused, a task that will be difficult for sure in the coming days.
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