Walpole, MA – If the Provo Penguins played the Maple Leafs a hundred times, they would surely win at least fifty of those games. Last night the edge went to the Leafs. In a hard fought contest, the Leafs skated away with a 3-2 win, sending the Penguins home with a first round loss in the Summer Playoffs.
“As the Captain, I should say something motivational,” Chris Eighmy, Penguins Captain said after the game. “Unfortunately, I can’t think of anything! We suck! I’m sick of [expletive] losing! I hate [expletive] losing! Die! Die! You [expletive] scum-bags! Die!”
It was a scrappy game from the first face-off until the final buzzer at the end of the third-period. The Leafs took the lead in the first-period with a goal from Dolan, who would end the night with all three Maple Leaf goals. John Lutfy, a veteran on the Old Man Line (OML), scored the Penguins first goal, scrapping in front of the net and cramming in the loose puck, off of a Youngblood assist to get the Penguins on the board.
With Dolan playing hot for the Leafs, the Penguins had to come from behind again in the 2nd to tie the game, with a laser-shot just off the blue-line from Youngblood. The puck nearly took the net off the goal, and left heat blisters on the Leafs goalie’s arm. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. Dolan managed another goal in the third-period, and the Penguins were unable to convert multiple opportunities in order to tie the game.
With a double-elimination playoff format, the Penguins have a must-win game next Monday night opponent to be announced.
“This is all we’ve got,” commented Tragakis during the post-game press-conference. “We played the biggest game of our lives, only to have our backs up against the wall even more, forcing an even bigger-biggest game of our lives! We look forward to the challenge. Whoever we play it will be huge! Let’s do this thing now!”
Some bad news came late in the night, when it was reported that Mick O’Meara (aka., Mearn) was taken to the hospital for abdominal pains. It was later determined that O’Meara suffered from Acute Intestinal Botulism (AIB).
“We ran a number of tests, and Mr. Mearn is suffering from AIB,” stated Dr. Stanley Ping from Mass General Hospital. “The little fella’ is being prepped for surgery as we speak, and his prognosis is not good. We will be replacing both his large and small intestines with pig bowels, and then we will conduct a triple lung-bypass. I expect to be operating on him for the next 48-hours, unless I get an earlier tee-time, but that will depend on the weather and if there are any cancellations. I have a call in now to the golf-pro, who is a friend of mine, so we’ll see. Oh yea…and we are hopeful Mr. Mearn will make a full-recovery.”
According to the Walpole Forensic Department, an empty can of Bud Lite, left behind in the Penguins locker-room may offer some evidence to what happened. The can of beer had a sell-by date of 2005.
“Who the [expletive] would give a guy a five-year-old beer?” questioned Lieutenant Dan McArthur, Walpole Police Department. “I’ll tell you who! A [expletive] terrorist, that’s who! Someone poisoned little Mearn and we will not rest until we find the culprit!”
It was noted after the game, that on the same night that a 5-year-old beer was found, that Curchin brought beer for the first time in his career in the NESHL. There have been no warrants for his arrest, but rumors are running rampant in the club-house and the league.
“Everyone is a suspect at this time,” continued McArthur. “But honestly, who has beer sitting around for five years? If it was Curchin, and I’m not saying it is, why didn’t he bring in beer in the past? I mean if a guy has five-year-old sitting around, why would he get chastised for not bringing in beer? Seriously, there is old beer lying around your house and you get yelled at for being cheap and not bringing in beer? It just doesn’t add up. Someone will hang for this or my name is not Daniel James McArthur!”
You can be sure that the investigation will be on-going throughout the playoffs.
All attention must now turn toward the second game of the playoffs. This is a must-win situation, and all bets are off!
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