A Game To Remember

Walpole, Ma – There was no controversy. There was no conspiracy. In fact, the game between the Provo Liquor Penguins and Analog could only be described as uneventful. Two teams played hockey, and one team won. Whether the Penguins, or Analog won, is not important. What is important is that each team walked away with a sense of accomplishment.

“Who really cares who won?” questioned veteran forward, and winner of the Beijing Crying Monkey Award for ‘Best Pipes’, Tommy ‘Guns’ Sherwood. “In the end the only thing that matters is that I put on a solid gun-show for the boys both before, and after the game. I like to get the team motivated, and nothing motivates them more than seeing the Tommy Guns!”

With images of the ‘guns’, fresh in their minds the mighty Penguins took the ice and never looked back. Youngblood started off the Penguins onslaught with a goal in the second period, leaving all to wonder what was next. And the wonder continued for the entire game.

“I can’t do it alone,” chided Dimock from his home. “I obviously cannot take this team to the promised land by myself, especially when I’m not actually playing in any of the games. It should go without saying that it is going to take more than me saying it, to get this team into the playoffs! It is bull-[expletive], but it is a fact!”

Surprising both player and fan, both Wilmot and Tragakis wore matching hockey pants from the Reebok Fall Collection. Wilmot also had on new gloves, which seemed to give him an extra bounce on the ice.

“They looked like models-on-ice,” admired one Penguins fan. “I can’t tell you who won or lost and who really cares? I was blown-away by how great they looked! I can’t wait to see them wearing something from the Winter Collection! I only hope that Tommy Guns flashes the ‘pipes’ when he skates by the stands!”

Amid the action on the ice, there were two moments that caused panic and despair in the arena. Both of them involved a young Ryan Curchin, who had just returned from summer camp. In the third period, Curchin shattered his new $10 dollar blade, causing a rumble in the stands.

“Are you [expletive] kidding me?” exploded one angry fan. “I paid more money on pop-corn than that dork paid on his blade! I mean seriously, you get what you pay for! Buy a real blade you [expletive] jack-wagon! We are out here spending our hard earned money in order to watch the game, and that [expletive] is trying to cut-corners by buying an already been cracked blade! [Expletive] him!”

The second incident was even more egregious. At the end of the game, while sitting in the locker-room, Curchin stated that he ‘does not drink beer, and therefore that is why he does not buy beer’. This statement caused shock and dismay among the team, and Captain Chris Eighmy (aka, Hombre Del Huevo), had this to say during the post-game press conference;

“I have never wanted to kill that slimy, mother-[expletive] more than I do right now,” admitted Eighmy after the game. “I have seen him drink 2-3 beers per game for the last 50 games…now I’m not good at math, but that is easily over a thousand beers! I will rip off his head and [expletive]-down his throat if he ever [expletive] makes that kind of [expletive] statement [expletive], [expletive], [expletive], [expletive], [expletive], [expletive], [expletive], [expletive] again! Buy beer you cheap [expletive]!!”

Next week will mark the final game of the season as the Penguins take on Happy Hour. As the Penguins sit fourth from the bottom or 7th from the top if you are a cups-half-full kind of guy, this next game will be the biggest game of their lives!