Walpole, MA – Despite 8-minutes of penalties, the Provo Liquor Penguins managed to defeat the Maple Leafs in dramatic fashion last night at the Iorio Arena. With a sell-out crowd in attendance, the Penguins won their third game in-a-row, with a score of 3-2.
“This is what we play for,” commented Lutfy, who was unable to attend the game, and was in the middle of a diaper change at his home in Norfolk. “We have rallied all season long, and all year long. It does not surprise me that we won. I nearly tossed a poopy-diaper in the air when I got the news. I am very happy for the team, and only hope I can get back on the ice next week.”
Although the Maple Leafs took an early 1-0 lead in the first-period, the original Old Man himself, Tom Sherwood humped a puck into the net in the second period to tie the score. With Sniper behind the net with the puck, Sherwood stood tall in front of the net, and he took Sniper’s elevated pass in the genitals which he somehow managed to put into the net.
“It may seem like a coincidence,” admitted Sherwood. “But I actually practice that move all the time without wearing a cup. When I saw the puck heading toward my junk, I quickly turned toward the net and gave the puck a quick dry-hump and sent it into the right corner of the net. I have to admit there is much less pain with the cup on.”
The Leafs again took the lead in the second period, only to have the game tied-up once again in the 3rd, on a blast from Brandin ‘Six Goals’ Andrews. Playing the role of a pinball, Sniper stood his ground in front of the net and managed to hack, slash and club anything that looked like a puck in front of the net. It paid-off when he connected with the puck and poked the puck into the net. Although there is absolutely no evidence to support this, the assist was awarded to Tragakis, who may have been on the bench at the time.
“Last week I had six-goals,” stated an exasperated Andrews. “This week I only had one goal. It is a bit frustrating to say the least. The good news is that I heard they are sending up a personal assistant to help carry my hockey bag and wash my jock. I think his name is Pickey or Hickey or something like that. Anyway, it will be nice to have a little extra help with the equipment.”
After his six-goal game last week, Andrews was asked ‘Now that you scored six goals, what are you going to do?” To which the young star replied “I’m going to buy a Vespa!” Recently, Sniper was seen cruising the streets of Foxboro on a yellow and pink Vespa with a pretty basket in the front.
“We want to reward remarkable performance,” cited Dick Long, Vespa CEO. “We were happy to give Mr. Andrews his brandnew Vespa. Now he will get great gas mileage, and be able to go to speeds upwards of 30-mile an hour.”
With the game knotted at 2-2, Mike “Pukey” Mearn blew-chunks all over the bathroom as well as the Leafs goalie, when he scored the game winning goal late in the 3rd period. This is Mearn’s 17th career game winning goal, which ties a team record that was previously held by Mookie Croakley, who recently died in a tragic blimp accident last year.
Mearn was unavailable for comment as he had his head stuffed halfway down the barrel in the locker-room.
With the win, the Penguins bring their record to 4-5-2, and are now on a three game win streak. Unfortunately, the win was met with some bad news, as it was determined that veteran forward Matt Dimock, who has not attended a game this season, is suffering from a yeast-infection.
“I’m having a not-so-fresh moment,” said Dimock during a phone conversation. “I hope to be back soon, although I’m running out of ideas on how to clear-up the rash and the yeast-infection. Seriously, if anyone has any ideas please let me know!”
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