Penguins Players to Re-Join Team

Walpole, MA – The struggling Penguins get a much needed boost tomorrow night, when two players wrongfully suspended for excessive violence, return to the ice Wednesday night. After a harrowing three game suspension, where the Penguins continued their bizarre transformation into the Bad News Bears with an 0-2-1 record, Sniper and Roode 1 will join the team as they face-off against the Old Dogs.

“This is a big week for us,” stated veteran Penguins Captain, Hombre Del Huevo. “Those goofy bastards are just about the best thing we’ve got going in this…crazy world. I mean, I’m not looking for a win out of the gate, but a nice tie or a close loss would be very cool!”

With news of the return, comes news that may negate the effect either of these key players might have on the outcome of the game. Due to HVAC issues in the Iorio building, there is no longer any ice in the rink. Unfortunately league rules do not allow the game to be postponed, or rescheduled at another venue.

“It is unfortunate,” commented Mike Hurley, attorney for the NESHL. “But the games must go on. It is a league rule that would require both teams to play the game in full pads and no skates, so that they don’t ruin the rink surface. Players would run around in socks and use a Nerf puck. This happened once before in ’75, and the Walpole Warthogs beat the Foxboro Maggots 15-1. It was an incredible game when you consider there was no ice.”

The news does not sit well with some players.

“I don’t have any clean socks,” replied Curchin from his home. “If we are going to play in socks, I want to look good. I use my socks for…ummm…other things. Let’s just say they are a little stiff right now. Maybe my mom will do laundry before the game.”

The only question that remains, is whether the Flyers, Whalers, Penguins sanctions have worked out their differences in order to play like a real team.

“I am a total team player!” shouted an angry Matt Dimock. “When I hear about cliques, or inner groups fighting against each other it makes me sick! If this keeps up I might just show up and play a game damn it!”