Walpole, Ma – The Provo Liquor Penguins tamed the Old Dogs in dramatic fashion Wednesday night, with a 6-2 win. This win marks only the second win for the Provo Penguins, and gives them a 2-5-2 record on the Summer Season.
“Those guys are old, real old,” stated veteran Old Dogs forward Rick Speagle, referring to the Penguins notorious Old Man Line (OML). “Don’t get me wrong, our entire team is a lot closer to eating soft foods and wearing Depends ™ on and off the ice, but those guys are older than the players we normally see on the ice. It was nice to feel like we were only one generation older than the other team…even if it was just the OML line.”
The Penguins began the scoring early, starting the night off with a goal from Tragakis early in the first period. Tragakis took a miraculous pass across the crease from Youngblood and managed to lift the puck into the top left corner, giving the Penguins a 1-0 lead in the first shift for the OML. Guertin and Wilmot also provided scoring in the first, each providing a goal and an assist on the night.
“I think Wilmot was playing on a different level than the rest of us,” commented Hombre Del Huevo. “Apparently some female inmate from Cedar Junction turned him down on an in-cell date…I guess that doesn’t happen much when a man is carrying a gun and handcuffs into a woman’s prison cell. In any case, I think he was a bit upset, but it really helped with his game.”
Roode 1, fresh-off of a 3-week suspension, stood on his head throughout the entire tilt, providing a dazzling display of skill in the net, and limiting the Old Dogs to only two goals on the night.
“It was great to be back,” added Roode 1 from the toilet. “Dude, I totally apologize for being locked-up in the Iorio bathroom, but I’ve been working in 105 degree weather for the past few days and I’m completely backed-up. Not to mention that I stole my brother’s beer and he is looking for me! Shhh…I think I hear him!”
The scoring continued in the 2nd period, with two goals from Youngblood, who blasted the puck past the goalie from over 20 feet out. Sherwood fed him the puck on his second goal, which hit his stick in stride and gave Youngblood the opening he needed to score again.
“That’s just how I roll,” Sherwood remarked. “I want the guys to call me Killer from now on. So far there are only two or three cool nicknames on the team, and I want one too! We’ll take a vote next week, it will either be Killer or Mongo or Puff-Grand-Daddy.”
The Penguins were limited to only one goal in the 3rd period, however the final goal broke the back of the Old Dogs, who were left whimpering on the ice. Sniper went coast-to-coast and knocked the goalie to his knees with a blast that nearly tore the net from the goal posts.
“I don’t know what kind of pompous, bullshit power play they were trying to pull out there,” Sniper chimed in after the game. “But Iorio is my territory! So whatever they were thinking; they better think again! Otherwise, I will continue to rain down upon them in a Godly [expletive] fire storm! They are going to have to call the [expletive] United Nation to get a [expletive] binding resolution to keep me from [expletive] destroying them! I Am Talking Scorched Earth Mother [Expletive]! I will Massacre Them! I WILL [EXPLETIVE] Them UP!”
Sniper’s anger landed him a three game suspension a few weeks ago, so for the sake of all Penguins fans, let’s hope the Hockey Anger Management course along with the work-release program he is currently on, helps to keep him in check the next time on the ice.
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