Cheaters Never Win, But They Sure Can Tie

Walpole, MA – It is hard not to think of the movie ‘300’, when you think about last week’s game between the Provo Liquor Penguins and the Iceholes. The Penguins came out with all cylinders pumping, and never looked back. But aside from the fact that they won the game with a score of 5-4, the Penguins were left to fight it out by themselves, outnumbered by ineptitude and lying.

The Penguins took the lead in the 3rd period with a goal by none other than Youngblood himself, who once again proved that he can hang with the Young-Guns of Hickey and Sniper. But the scorekeeper, playing the part of Bobby Brown, vanished from the ice for a ten-minute crack-break. With the goal not being recorded, the referees continued to bumble around the ice, refusing to fix the situation when the scorekeeper returned from getting his fix.

“I’m not a strong scorekeeper,” admitted Gordon Mucus, the stoned scorekeeper, after the game. “In fact I have never done it before. It seems easy, but the referees are yelling numbers and stuff at you all night long and it really frayed my nerves. So I had to take a break. Besides, I got bored and wanted to take a hit off the ‘ole pipe. I hope I didn’t miss anything!”

The OML, led by Sherwood and Lutfy, began attacking Mucus as he tried to leave the ice, only to find out the hard way, that there is no reasoning with an 18-year-old who is laced with narcotics.

“I nearly lost my [expletive],” stated an angry Lutfy. “When I saw Hickey weeping in the corner, I knew I had gone too far. The young guys get upset when we lose our cool. They are not used to us parents losing it. I later apologized, and bought him an ice-cream sundae, so I think we are cool now.”

Throwing gasoline onto the fire, in an attempt to straighten out the fiasco, the league asked the Iceholes captain if they had actually lost the game. With all respect, dignity and decency on the line, the Icehole captain reported that he had ‘no idea what the Penguins were talking about, the game ended in a tie’.

“It is a philosophical question really,” responded Tim Bowler, the grand-Poo-Bah of the NESHL. “Much like the age-old question ‘If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is around, does it make a noise?’ We have to ask ourselves, ‘If a player scores a goal, and no one is around to record it, is it really a goal? In this case, the answer is clearly ‘no’.”

With luck these two teams will meet up again in the playoffs. You can be sure that the Penguins will be ‘foiling up’ before taking the ice, because this time, it is personal.