Walpole, MA – The Penguins record speaks for itself. No one can doubt that the Provo Liquor Penguins are living up to the hype, after last night’s match-up with the Happy Hour Hockey Team.
“We play with the actual players on our roster. We don’t use steroids. We don’t payoff officials, and we don’t sell ourselves for sexual favors,” commented Richard Weed, Penguins new attorney. “That is not to imply that there is anything wrong with how the Happy Hour team conducts itself, but it is what it is. We are not cheaters, we don’t beat our wives or girlfriends, and we surely don’t skate with minor-league hockey players. Again, we are not accusing Happy Hour of doing any of these things. I just want it known that if there is an investigation into illegal drug-trafficking; there is no need to investigate our team and that it would be a better use of time to look at other teams we have played in the very, very recent past.”
The Penguins took their 1-3-1 record onto the road last night, and managed to play to their ability. Throwing all caution to the wind, the Penguins put newcomer Mike ‘Don’t Call Me the Monster’ Lewis, who stepped into the net for the first time in his career.
“I’ve never actually played goalie before,” admitted Lewis, who was wearing a ‘Monster Mike’ t-shirt after the game. “I mean, I played goalie for the Penguins once before, but up until that point, I had never been in net…hell, I’d never been on ice. But when Tragakis called me, it sounded like fun, so I figured I’d give it a whirl! I might even wear skates next time!”
Stopping over 1000 shots, Lewis proved to be an excellent replacement for Roode 1, who was recovering from PTSS or Post Traumatic Suspension Syndrome. Both Roode 1 and Sniper had been given a 3 and 5 game suspension for fighting, and were last seen weeping together in the back seat of a car. Although Lewis stopped over 1000 shots, he let in 5 goals and the Penguins could not answer with their offense.
“I can’t do everything,” Todd Cronin stated, after the game. This was the first game of the Summer Season that Cronin was able to make with his busy schedule. “Youngblood has lost the edge, and I mean really, really lost it, and unfortunately I cannot do everything. Where is Hickey? Where is Sniper? I’m out there skating on Mearn’s Mom’s figure skates, and wearing her panties, and I can’t be expected to fly-in from San Diego and just win the game for these jack-asses. I’m not paying for last season if these guy’s keep this up! If you want to know how I really feel, please visit my website at shitshow.com!”
Cronin’s comments were harsh, but the team took them in stride.
“Who the [expletive] is Todd Cronin?” questioned Wilmot, who accidently locked himself in the back of his police car after the game. “I’m the schiznit now mother-[expletive]! I am only days away from being able to skate backwards, so no one walks into my house and starts blasting my team and my game! I didn’t run out to the screen-printers and put a ‘C’ on my jersey for nothing! [Expletive] Cronin! If you want to know how I really feel, please visit my website at schiznitshow.com!”
With the playoffs around the corner, the Penguins may not appear to be in a great position to make a run for the NESHL Cup, but don’t let their 1-4-1 record fool you.
“Why does everyone have to look at a team’s record to figure out how good they are?” asked Sherwood. “What is a record? It is just an arbitrary measurement of how one team compares to other teams in their league. Who really cares? Why can’t we all just get along? It seems like players are out there trying to score more goals, get more assists and win games. Let’s just take a step back and remember life is a journey, and hockey is about love and peace, not scoring and winning. If you want to know how I really feel, please visit my website at poopshow.com!”
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