Negotiations At A Stand-Still

Walpole, MA – The Penguin's struggles continue both on and off the ice, as recent word from Walpole indicate that contract negotiations with forward, Matt Dimock have come to a screeching-halt. Originally it appeared Dimock would be a late sign for the summer season, however, Dimock, has missed the first four games of the season and the discussions have completely broken-down. According to his agent, Lou Stools, his client had only been holding out for a ‘fair contract’.

“Mr. Dimock is just a hockey player looking to be treated fairly,” stated Stools during this morning’s press-conference. “This organization refuses to recognize my client’s needs, which frankly is insulting. We are only asking for basic living-essentials and the ability for him to feed his family.”

Stools comments are at odds with a recent report of Dimock’s demands, and causing issues with the Penguins front-office.

“Normally we would not be discussing individual contract negotiations in a public forum,” added Penguins attorney, Buck Nekkid. “However the statements made by Dimock’s attorney are completely erroneous. We do not consider any of Dimock’s demands to be reasonable, and unless his camp begins reevaluating their demands, these talks are over.”

A source close to the discussions commented that there were 'many' areas of concern in the latest contract, which the Penguins organization considered to be ‘unreasonable’. Among the areas of concern are the following:

- A personal locker-room, complete with a masseuse and a personal skate-sharpener
- His own bench, with heated seats and a doorman who opens and closes the doors when he comes on and off the ice, and hands him heated hand-towels
- Dimock’s own penalty box, with snacks and multiple high-definition televisions
- A personal ‘official’, who is responsible for any calls for or against Dimock during games
- New skates in-between each period
- His own score-board that is brought to each game and hung in front of the 'actual' score-board
- A personal ice-caddy, who follows him along the ice with a bag of different, personalized hockey-sticks for each game situation
- Game pucks with the words ‘Dimock Rules’ and his picture on them
- Changing of the team name from the “Provo Penguins” to “Big Matty Dimock and a Bunch of Other Guys”
- A portable ‘rink’ that can be brought to Dimock's house during games

“You have got to be [expletive]-me,” raged an angry Hombre Del Huevo. “We are a [expletive] hockey-team for [expletive]-sake! We are playing some of the worst hockey we have ever played, and this is nothing but a [expletive] distraction!”

The talks will continue late into the weekend, but according to our source, the Penguins refuse to budge with any of his demands. Penguin Nation can only hope things are resolved soon, as the next game will surely be the biggest of their lives.