Foxboro, MA – With nothing but a pair of chafed nipples to show for his effort, Hombre Del Huevo (HDH) once again tried to will his team to victory. But chafed-nipples were not enough to win the game for the Provo Penguins, who started the summer season off with a loss to the vaunted Scorpions. The Scorpions were the Winter Season winners of the Athletic Cup (the NESHL equivalent to the Stanley Cup), and proved to be too much for the Penguins to overcome.
“My nipples are killing me,” commented the Eggman after the game. “Here I am skating my ass off, only to have half the team, not show. We have been down this path before. I can’t be the Oprah Winfrey of the Penguins hockey team, damn it! I need some friggin support out there, I can’t do it all!”
With barely enough players to field a team, HDH did everything in his power to start the season off with a win, but the odds were stacked against him. Players such as Dimock, Kenney, Curchin, Sniper and Tragakis were no-shows for Monday night’s tilt, which sadly ended in a 6-3 loss to the Scorpions.
“I didn’t know skates were required,” said Wilmot, who was one of the eight players to show. “I’m not a strong skater. In fact, I can’t really skate. But I have the heart of a lion, and a dream of learning to skate backwards. I know it is a fantasy at this point, but I’m close to being able to change direction on the ice as well. It is all good!”
Wilmot spent most of the night with his skates on the wrong feet, but even when he got the issue corrected, the lack of players led to the Penguins downfall. Not even the talent of Youngblood could provide the spark necessary to win the game.
“I am hockey,” responded Youngblood in the locker-room. “Youngblood likes coochie and hockey. And he is good at both. Youngblood scored a goal tonight, and he plans on touching his monkey late-night to celebrate. Youngblood will score more goals than anyone in the world. I love Youngblood!”
Miraculously, Sherwood also scored the first goal of his career, making him happy even though the team lost.
“Sherwood likes goals,” added the only scoring member of the OML. “Sherwood likes coochie and hockey. And he is not good at either, but it is fun just the same!”
Roode II also contributed to the scoring, by slipping the puck past the goalie with his one good arm. Roode II had a shoulder boo-boo, which kept him out of the scrimmage last week, but did not keep him out of the game. His brother, Roode I, also contributed by stopping 44 shots while only allowing 6.
Sadly, Curchin did not show for the game, because he was grounded by his parents.
“Ryan needs to stop playing with himself,” replied Curchin’s mom, who was visibly concerned. “He is going to go blind the way he pulls the thing day and night. I told him I would not write him a check to play hockey if he keeps it up, and I grounded him as well. Unfortunately, we did not think it through since the grounding only gave him more time in his bedroom with his jar of Vaseline. I’m afraid he will damage himself if he doesn’t stop!”
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