Game three of the young Summer season kicks-off tonight, with allegations of cheating once again being at the center of the conversation. As the struggling Penguins take on the Iceholes tonight in Walpole, multiple sources are reporting that the Iceholes are privately under investigation by the league.
"It has come to our attention that the Iceholes have done some things that are suspect," commented Herb Stickler, NESHL attorney. "However any illegal activity by the team will stay within the walls of the team and the league. We do not handle these matters publicly."
Although the league would like to keep this matter under lock and key, rumors have already begun to leak on the allegations facing the Iceholes. One such allegation involves age tampering, where in at least one case a player’s age was intentionally modified by the Iceholes.
“This is nothing new for the Iceholes,” stated a source close to the team. “They have been listing players with the wrong ages for years now. One of their players is listed as being 73 years-old, and according to hospital records, he is clearly 68 years-old. What is really strange is no one is quite sure what advantage they are getting for tampering with the age of someone that old. But clearly it is a violation of league policy.”
Additionally, it has been rumored that the team has been consistently using banned substances such as HGH and steroids in order to get an edge on the competition. Many of their players have failed numerous blood and urine tests.
“Where does this [expletive] come from?” questioned Bucky Meister alternate captain for the Iceholes. “We ended the season with 5 wins and 17 losses last season, how can we possibly be taking performance enhancing drugs? This is bull-[expletive]!”
However according to at least one source, it is a known fact that the team is completely ‘juiced’.
“The problem is that they don’t actually exercise or workout,” responded the source. “If you take steroids and HGH and don’t workout it doesn’t do your body any good. But they are popping horse-grade steroids like they are going out of style. These guys have a Pez dispenser in their locker-room with all kinds of performance enhancing drugs, if only they worked-out!”
Tonight’s match-up will surely be a test for the Penguins, as they are coming off back to back losses and are not taking performance enhancing drugs…yet. There is always next week…
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