Gentlemen,
It has come to my attention that many Pelican’s players have been neglecting their off-season training regimen, and instead have chosen a path of ‘fatness’ and ‘neglect’. I don’t have to tell you who you are, and since I don’t know your names anyway, it doesn’t really matter. But you know who you are!
With the season only weeks away, I encourage you to get off your fat, disgusting asses and begin training in earnest. This is the time gentlemen! This is the time! Considering you are only a ‘C’ level team in America, I can only imagine how bad you actually are. This is something a local, on-site coach would work to overcome every day. Since you only pay me for my off-site, hands-off, non-involved coaching style from afar, I have to assume you suck and take it from there.
In short I am embarrassed to be your coach. If you think your beer drinking, pot smoking ways have gone unnoticed they have not! You are a disgrace to the NESHL and if I had the authority to cut you I would!
There are mandatory public hockey session at the Iorio rink at 12:30pm every day. Go there! Drill yourselves until you puke! Learn to be hockey players! You are what you are, so try your hardest to be different. Remember gentlemen, you suck very much and I mean that!
Sincerely,
Coach Douchey’s Admin Assistant
Chuck Tamponne
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