Walpole, MA – The name-plate has been removed from the locker-room wall, leaving a dark, black outline where the prominent plate once hung. With the recent departure of hockey legend Chris Eighmy, the Penguins organization has been left in a tail-spin. From front-office down to the individual player, the organization is looking for direction during this tumultuous time, and according to some, it can’t come quick enough.
“This has been tough,” admitted Lenny Chandler, Penguins General Manager. “In the past, we looked to Del Huevo for direction and guidance for the team, and we don’t have that now. Can we rebuild? Of course, but it takes time. Right now guys are lost in that locker-room, and if we don’t get things on track soon, we could be in trouble at the start of the Summer Season. Players are weeping, and some are even holding all night vigils in honor of their missing comrade…it’s really sad. Hell, I even saw one player spooning his hockey bag.”
With Hombre Del Huevo now concentrating on bonding with his family, the Penguins are quickly trying to fill the gap that was left behind. As Chandler indicated, these things take time, but time is one thing this team does not have. The Summer Season kicks-off in under 3-weeks, and the first (and only) practice is scheduled for April 28th. Time is running out. With no guidance from Coach Douchey, in-fighting has begun, and numerous players are stepping up in an attempt to get the Captain’s ‘C’ stitched onto their jerseys.
“Just because I’m in San Diego now, and play for a different team, doesn’t mean I can’t be Captain,” replied Todd Cronin from his apartment. “I feel a connection with the team, and since I have my own website dedicated to showing the world my [poop], I’m a natural-born innovator. If Coach Douchey can coach the team from Toronto, I can be a captain from San Diego! And please go to [poop]show.com and check-out my latest San Diego Bowl-Choker!”
Cronin is not the only one stepping up to take the vacant spot. Child prodigy Sean Hickey is also throwing his helmet onto the rink in order to become the newest Penguins Captain.
“The way I see it,” commented Hickey from his parents basement. “I will outlive the rest of the players by 20-30 years. Based on that fact alone, forget about my mad-skills, I should be Captain. I turn 16 next week. I think Bilbo turns 75, and Tragakis is probably turning 100. It’s ridiculous. It would be nice to announce my selection to Captain at my prom, so hopefully we can wrap this up soon!”
Coach Douchey has been unavailable for comment, but according to his assistant coach, Anull Wartz, the in-fighting has to stop.
“We are thinking of selecting a captain from the Toronto Razors,” responded Wartz, referring to the other hockey team, which Wartz and Douchey are also coaching. “We would hate for all the fighting to cause a rift in that team down there, since it is really not in their hands right now.”
Others would disagree, as the team captain has never been decided by the Toronto coaching staff. As much as the coaching staff would like to make this decision for the team, opportunistic players continue to raise their hand to be the team leader, and some of them are even local.
“Clearly, I should be captain,” replied John Wilmot, newest member of the Penguins. “I can skate forwards and backwards…a little anyway, and I can bring a fresh perspective to the team having never played organized hockey. Besides, I’m from Walpole, how convenient is that?”
But even as more hands are raised, rumors continue to run rampant across the league, indicating that Hombre Del Huevo will come out of retirement and take back his role.
“I told you already you stupid mother-[expletive], that I just retired,” barked an angry Eighmy from his cell phone. “If you ask me one more time about coming out of retirement, I’m going to shove this phone up your [expletive] ass!”
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