Walpole, MA – One of the hottest teams in the NESHL made a brash decision this past week, by intentionally losing their playoff game to the Scorpions. Eagle Brook, who had been on a roll leaving all their opponents in the dust, decided to hand the Scorpions the win, in order to face their Route 1A rivals the Provo Penguins. Why would a team intentionally lose a game to play the Penguins? It’s a good question, one that can only be answered by an expert.
“It’s obvious that the rivalry goes deep,” commented Ned Ryerson, NESHL analyst. “These two teams have a deep rivalry, and Eagle Brook has allegedly made a number of moves to ensure the match-up between these two teams happens. Not only did they intentionally lose the game to the Scorpions, but they may have laced The Herd’s water bottles with LSD in order to ensure that the Penguins made it into the playoffs. By beating The Herd, Eagle Brook ensured that the Penguins got in. None of this has any validity, but it is interesting nonetheless. This is surely the match-up of the century.”
The Penguins are also coming off a first round loss, which is also amid controversy. Police are looking into allegations that the Maple Leafs utilized guerilla tactics during their playoff game with the Penguins, and injected eColi poison into Penguins Captain Hombre Del Huevo, Chris Eighmy’s back. Eighmy currently remains in critical condition at Beth Israel Hospital, and his prognosis is not good. Apparently the eColi poisoning caused a breakout out of anal-warts, which could cause difficulty in both sitting and skating.
“At this time we do not have any suspects,” reported Sergeant Davis of the Walpole Police. “All we have is a syringe with a blue maple leaf emblem on it, and the words ‘we hate the Penguins’. The syringe was also signed by the whole Maple Leafs team. Hopefully a clue will show-up sooner rather than later.”
One hockey insider, agreed with Ned Ryerson’s assessment, and has commented that Eagle Brook will be playing with a ‘stacked’ team. The insider requested to remain nameless in the investigation, however he said that Eagle Brook had ‘no intention of losing to the Penguins’, and will take every precaution to ensure success.
“The Eagle Brook roster will contain names such as Axelson, Donato, Stumpel, Raycroft,” noted our hockey insider. “You may recall these are all ex-NHL players. It is a known fact that even the McTavern brothers played a few years in the NHL. The team is stacked. The word on the street is that they are evern bringing the goon Clarence "Screaming Buffalo" Swamptown out from retirement for this game. They will stop at nothing to win. I would not be surprised if Matt Cooke was going to be suiting up as well. These guys have dropped some serious coin to win this.”
As hard as it is to believe that a team would intentionally lose a playoff game to meet-up with their Route 1A rivals, it may be harder to believe what the Penguins are doing about it…nothing.
“There is not much we can do,” admitted Sean Kenney, Penguins defenseman. “We go out there every day, with senior hockey players, no ex-AHL, no ex-NHL players, no Screaming Buffalo and we give it our all. That’s all we can do. We consider this match-up to be on par with Rocky Balboa versus Ivan Drago, or Davey vs. Goliath or the Spartans in the movie 300. We need to bring everything we’ve got to the rink, and hope it is enough to win it.”
According to another hockey insider, who goes by the alias of ‘Dogs Breath’, ex-NHL players are not all Eagle Brook has in store for the Penguins.
“These guys have been on the “juice” for three-months now,” stated Dogs Breath. “These guys are on the juice and completely on the ‘Roid Rage Wagon. Some of the Eagle Brook players have easily gained 50 pounds since taking the steroids. Unfortunately, they just took the steroids, and they never worked-out…it would have been more effective if they had. In any case, it will take all the Penguins have to get through this thing alive.”
All eyes turn to Iorio Arena this Monday night to see if Davey can defeat Goliath on the ice. For now, the allegations will continue to swirl as the teams prepare for the tilt.
“Damn anal-warts,” shouted El Grande Huevo from his hospital bed. “Twelve hours of laser removal surgery and they are only half-way through! I can only hope they can remove enough warts that I can skate with my team in this epic battle. GO PENGUINS!”
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