Walpole, MA – With everything on the line, the Penguins came up short in their first game in the playoffs, falling to the Maple Leafs in overtime. In what is sure to be coined the Spring Classic, the Penguins dominated the game from start to finish, but were unable to put the pesky Leafs away. Tied 1:1, the two teams headed into overtime, where the Leafs managed to get the first goal, and the win, in the double-elimination playoffs.
“What can I say?” asked Hombre Del Huevo (aka., the Eggman), captain for the Penguins. “I removed myself from the game because of complications I suffered when I attempted to remove my own spleen, in an effort motivate the team before the game. Unfortunately, the whole thing back-fired, and I found myself on the bench spitting up bits of calamari…or what I thought was calamari. I later found out that I was spitting up pieces of my torn spleen. I should have sharpened my skate before attempting such an act. Maybe next time I will just stick to a motivational speech.”
Playing to a packed house, the Penguins rally squad was in full regalia, bringing noise and excessive alcohol to the sold-out stadium. Early in the evening , the fan-club made themselves known by blasting huge horns, that sent at least one Maple Leafs player careening into the boards out of sheer fear. The linesmen at one point had to stop the game, in order to wait for crowd-control to calm the frenzy that was going on in the stands.
“Let’s be honest,” admitted Luke P. Spunkle, head linesman. “We work for the NESHL. Maple Leafs Captain Tim Lowler works, for the NESHL. Therefore we basically work for Tim. Without going into details, we don’t actually make any calls without getting approval from Lowler. We wear microphones, and we are ‘told’ what to call and what ‘not’ to call…it’s that simple. I probably shouldn’t give my name if I am going to stay stuff like that…can you change my middle initial to a ‘P’ at least? It is really a ‘B’.”
One shining moment for the Penguins came when Youngblood took the puck end-to-end, and scored off a shot that sent the rent-a-goalie into his own net. This lone score gave the Penguins a 1-0 lead early in the second period, a lead that would not stand the test of time.
“Youngblood plays in lots of playoffs,” commented the self-proclaimed Youngblood. “Youngblood likes hockey, and hockey likes Youngblood. Youngblood may be the best thing since sliced bread….maybe better!”
The other shining moment came when Dimock got back in the stat-sheet with a tripping call, making himself once again the PIM King in both regulation and in playoffs.
“That was Lowler’s call,” responded Spunkle. “I didn’t see any tripping, but apparently he saw it and called it in from the bench. I was actually going to call a penalty on the Leafs, but again, Lowler signs the checks…so Lowler makes the calls!”
Amid the allegations of paying off the officials, there are new allegations that the Leafs also hired an ex-NHL goalie for the night. Having lost by a combined score of 11-1 in the last two games these teams played, it was learned that a new goalie was brought in for the Leafs.
“It is unfortunate that little Timmy Pinkton had an accident,” commented Lou “Chops” Speroni, co-owner for the Maple Leafs, referring to Tim Pinkton the previous Leafs goalie. “Unfortunately, accidents happen. Timmy found himself on the wrong side of the ocean if you know what I mean…in short, we needed a new goalie.”
The Maple Leafs are furious about these allegations, and have hired an attorney to represent them going forward. With the playoffs in mid-stream, these allegations can only cause as a distraction to the team.
“This is just a case of the Penguins being poor losers,” commented Phat Phooker, Leafs attorney. Mr. Phooker made himself available on the phone from his home in Vietnam. “I don’t often take cases like this, being in Vietnam and all, however, I am one pissed off Phooker right now! I was in the bloodiest battle of the Vietnam War, Tam Pawn, but this will prove to be even bloodier! I will not rest until I prove the innocence of the Maple Leafs players and team…hell, I won’t rest until someone tells me what hockey is either…and what’s a goalie?”
With the playoffs being a double-elimination event, the Penguins still have a chance at the championship, and will face-off against the loser of the Eagle Brook/Scorpions game next Monday night at 10:10 pm. This will surely be the biggest game of their lives.
“All I want is my [expletive] thumb back,” cried an angry Sniper. “Wait a minute…do I get a purple heart or something for having my thumb cut-off while folding a tent? Semper Fi mother-[expletive]! Call me Nubby!”
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