Penguins Players Mostly Probable

Walpole, Ma – Making the playoffs may seem like a pipe-dream for the bottom three teams in the Lemelin division, however the Provo Penguins are taking a unique approach to achieving the ultimate goal. With only two games to go in the season, and only one point separating them from making or not making the playoffs, the Penguins have turned to drastic measures.

“I don’t know if they are drastic,” commented Lutfy, from his vacation hut in the Virgin Islands. “I would say more of a ‘we don’t really care’ tactics than drastic. I’m on vacation so not sure what is happening over there with the team to be honest. Obviously I could have taken vacation during the bye week, next week, but seeing how that is a week off, it did not make sense to be on vacation when we are already ‘off’. That would be redundant.”

Redundant or not redundant, players are dropping like flies, with barely enough players showing up to fill a single-line in tonight’s match-up.

“I’m on vacation too,” replied Sherwood. “Not with Lutfy, but I am thinking about him. I’m actually staying home for vacation, however, I think that the team can skate with 6 guys and should be fine without me. Besides, we are renting the movie Steel Magnolia tonight, and that is a big hit with the wife.”

The list of no-shows is substantial. Aside from Sherwood and Lutfy, Kenney, Sniper, Dimock, Cronin, Hickey, and Mearniac will not be at the game tonight.

“Actually, I have not decided yet,” admitted Mearn. “I’m not answering calls, or responding to emails. I may show and I may not show. It all depends on if I can get off the crack-pipe before game-time.”

Even the most consistent line in Penguins history, the OML, is in jeopardy of missing the game with Bilbo only reported as “probable” for the game.

“I may be there,” commented Bilbo from his Montreal home. “I may not be there. It is what you call a giant poop-shoot. But no matter. Show or be shown, is what is said when time comes, no? Go Canada!”

One surprise to the line-up is the last minute placement of one-time great Dimock to the IR. According to sources, Dimock had full knee replacement in both knees overnight, and is most likely not going to be able to play tonight.

“It wasn't really knee-replacement,” corrected the veteran. “I had a mole removed, and I have an early meeting that kicks-off at 10 a.m.. So I want to be fresh. But don’t put it past me not to show!”

All eyes will be on the 6 players to take the ice tonight at Iorio Arena. The Iceholes, are so far behind in the standings they have nothing to gain. The Penguins on the other hand, could slip out of playoff contention with a loss tonight. The world will be watching.

“What the [expletive],” roared an angry coach Douchey to an empty bench. “If only someone were here I would try and motivate them. Where is everyone? The one time I come down to Walpole, and not a single player to be seen. Ah well! I know they are here in spirit…or on vacation. Either one is fine.”