Guerilla Tactics Used in Playoffs

Walpole, MA – A hypodermic needle was found this morning at the Iorio Arena, during a routine inspection of the facility. In what appeared to be a simple case of a senior hockey player just getting an edge with some pre-game steroids, turned out to be senior hockey guerilla tactics. Instead of steroids, the syringe was laced with eColi tainted bacteria. It appears that a Maple Leafs player injected the eColi poisoning into the back of Penguins Captain, Chris Eighmy (aka., Eggman, Hombre Del Huevo, Jefe Del Huevo) who pulled himself from the game when he careened over the bench in agony.

“We will investigate this matter to the full extent of the law,” reported Sergeant Davis of the Walpole Police Department, holding up the syringe. “This is the equivalent of a modern day Punji stick, and the perpetrator must be apprehended. I have not seen a Punji stick since Vietnam, and I hate to see those type of guerilla tactics used here on the ice.”

Early in the first period, Hombre Del Huevo got what he thought was a pat on the back from an opposing player. Instead, he was injected with the eColi poisoning, which caused him to flutter and convulse on the ice. Most people in attendance just assumed he was a bad skater, since he often ‘flutters and convulses’ on the ice anyway, but it is now assumed he was injected in the back with the poison syringe.

“We can neither confirm nor deny the allegations being brought against us at this time,” commented Maple Leafs attorney Phat Phooker from his home in Vietnam. “And just because I am from Vietnam and fought in the Vietnam war does not mean the team is resorting to guerilla warfare. So what if I was in Big Lye and Tam Pawn? I was a soldier. That was then this is now. This Phooker is pissed!”

Jefe Del Huevo remains in critical condition at Beth Isreal hospital. He is expected to make a full recovery, although the time of his return is unknown.

“What pisses me off the most,” commented a source close to the team. “Is that there are people out there complaining about the contents of the Penguins Blog, and some of those same people are out there injecting eColi filled syringes into people’s backs. This [expletive] has to stop!”