Walpole, Ma – Do you believe in miracles?! In what can only be considered the biggest games of their lives, the mighty Provo Liquor Penguins pulled-off a 7-1 victory over the vaunted Maple Leafs in order to catapult themselves into the playoffs. With their backs up against the wall, the Penguins managed to upset the local favorites, the Leafs, who also hire and pay the officials…it was no small task for a team playing on the road.
“It took some luck too,” admitted a proud Penguins Captain Eggman. “We needed the Herd to lose, and we needed to win. We took care of our end of the bargain, but we still had to wait until after the game to get the update on The Herd. It looks like Eagle Brook brought their A-game…and a few ringers, but whatever it takes. We are in the playoffs!!!”
The Penguins played their most consistent game of the season, scoring goals in every period of the game. The team has beaten their opponents in the last two games with a combined score of 13-2. Both Sniper and Bilbo had two goals and assist on the night. Mearn scored his fourth goal of the season in the second period, which gave the Penguins a 3-1 lead over the Leafs. Tragakis had two goals, and Lutfy rounded out the night with an assist. In all, the OML had 4- goals and 2-assists on the night, for a total of 6-points, leading the onslaught.
“Let’s be really clear,” commented long-time member of the OML, John Lutfy. “Sherwood was holding us back. I think it is obvious from the points we put up tonight. We don’t blame him, it’s just a fact. Unfortunately, he is going through a legal battle with the Sherwood Hockey Company, who is suing him for defamation of character for continuing to play hockey using the last name “Sherwood”. I think his personal issues are causing more problems for him on the ice, and in the locker-room.”
Although Youngblood had no points on the night, his play was pivotal in getting the puck and his players into position to score.
“That’s just how Youngblood roles mother-[expletive],” commented the hockey prodigy, Youngblood. “Sometimes Youngblood scores, and sometimes he scores through other players. Youngblood can use mind-control too! I love Youngblood!”
Playing the part of Matt Cooke, the bastard who took the cheap shot on Savard, Roode II pummeled opposing players early and often up and down the ice, racking up 4 minutes in penalties. Kenney also got into the fray, throwing down for 2 minutes for roughing as well.
“Why can’t we all just get along,” questioned Matt Dimock, who recently graduated from his Anger Management Class. “I mean, it’s just a game. There is no need for such violence on or off the ice. I question the integrity of any player that resorts to violence.”
The Penguins once again played to a hostile crowd, with not a single fan in attendance, the Penguins relied on early goals to silence the crowd and keep their momentum. At one point, the crowd resorted to violence, throwing huge Maple tree limbs onto the ice, showing their frustration at their team’s struggles on the ice.
After the game, the team was solicited by the Peking Garden to switch their sponsorship to the Chinese Restaurant. According to sources, the team would become the Peking Ducks if the move is made. Sources close to the Penguins were unavailable for comment, as the celebration continued late into the night, however Coach Douchey issued this statement through the Penguins’ front office:
“We can neither confirm nor deny the allegations that the Pelicans have been in discussions with the Peking Garden Restaurant. At this time, we are just happy for our players and our fans that we have made it into the playoffs. Go Ducks!”
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