Dedham, Ma – With ever increasing violence associated with the Route 1A rivalry, between Eagle Brook and the Provo Penguins, the NESHL has moved tonight’s venue to Dedham. This surprise move marks the first time in league history that a game had to be played in a different location due to excessive violence.
“It is in the best interest of the teams involved, and the league in general,” stated Gus Tinker, spokesman for the NESHL. “By moving the game to Dedham, we are hoping to prevent the rivalry from getting out of hand. NESHL security and local authorities have been combing the Dedham arena since early last week, and will continue to police the area during and after the game. We are concerned for the safety of everyone involved.”
In the last match-up between these two teams, it was widely known that the Eagle Brook team was comprised of non-sanctioned players, and ultimately won the game. This tactic spurred fan violence in the stands and in the streets, as the fan-base reacted to what can only be considered ‘unfair’ tactics.
“At least four players on the Eagle Brook team had previously been banned for use of horse-grade steroids,” reported one hockey insider, who wished to remain anonymous. “Additionally, five of the new players on the team have been spotted skating for ‘A’ side teams in the league. At least two other players could be responsible for acts of terrorism, although I have no basis for that claim, other than a general ‘gut’ feeling I have.”
With the ever escalating violence, the stress of the upcoming game has taken its toll on the players and their families.
“I kill everyone,” responded Bilbo from prison. Bilbo who had recently been arrested for attempting to poison ‘all American hockey fans’ after the US beat Canada in Olympic hockey, by putting arsenic in the Olympic Gold Muffin at all participating Dunkin Donuts franchises owned by Bilbo, was visibly upset. “No more games…Bilbo mad…Bilbo wipe-out everyone, including own team!”
Whether the judge will release Bilbo from prison is unknown at this time, although the Penguins Attorney Budd Munch is actively seeking his release.
“If you can’t find arsenic, you must acquit,” Munch told reporters during yesterday’s press conference. “Bilbo is passionate about Canadian Hockey, and sometimes that fine line of being a ‘good fan’ and ‘poisoning the shit out of crazy American hockey-wannabe’ fans can be tricky for Bilbo. In any case we are seeking his release from prison for tonight’s match-up."
In a show of solidarity for his team, Boomer has undergone Laparoscopic surgery, in order to lose weight for the upcoming game. Why he has taken this tact, no one knows.
“I actually got the surgery 6-weeks ago,” admitted Boomer, who was busy eating a deep-dish pizza at Uno’s.” So far I have lost one-pound. I think it was worth it to show the team I am committed, and because I am making my run for the biggest loser competition!”
The governor has declared a state of emergency for the game tonight, and has called for the National Guard to be called in to stand guard during the game.
“We just want to play hockey,” declared Eggman. “For us it is not about 'who num-chuks who'. It is about getting out there and playing the best damn hockey of our lives!”
This sentiment was not shared by Eagle Brook, who has reportedly begun taking large doses of heroin and cocaine, in order to become ‘more violent’ in the actual game.
“We are 1 and 2 against the Penguins,” raged Eagle Brook forward, Doug Kumstain. “We will take it to the ice tonight, and put an end to the route 1A rivalry once and for all. Last time we took out Youngblood’s teeth, tonight we will break all their teeth! Jihaaaaadddddd!!!!”
This fourth and final match-up between these two teams could be the most critical to the league and the entire country. This could prove to be bigger than the USA vs. Canada hockey game played last night, in which the USA won.
“There you go one more time, mouth-boy,” Bilbo shouted from his cell. “Canada is hockey, USA is something not else! I feed you muffin!”
No comments:
Post a Comment