Penguins Under Investigation by NESHL

Foxboro, Ma - The Provo Penguins continued to slip in the Lemelin Division with a 4-1 loss to the Herd on Monday night. Mearniac had the one shining moment when he took the puck to the net, off of a Dimock pass, to give the Penguins their only goal. Amid the loss, the NESHL has raised questions over the use of a 'ringer' during the game.

"It is the NESHL's opinion, that the Provo Penguins utilized a ringer during their game against the Herd," explained Dutty Sanchez, spokesman for the league. "At exactly 10pm on Monday February 8th, we received a call from Chris Roode, Penguins goalie. Mr. Roode asked if the league could send a vehicle to Florida to pick him up from a mango grove in Key West. Since it would be physically impossible for him to be in two places at the same time, we are investigating the use of ringer in Monday night's game."

Just recently it was reported that Roode I had been found naked and disoriented on the side of the road in Key West. Apparently, Roode was selling his body for sex in order to get home from Florida, but according to reports he has only made it a mile from where he started three days ago. Based on the timing of his call to the league office, it would appear that another person stepped in to play goalie for the Penguins during the game.

"If the league is implying that the Penguins cheated, we will take legal action," responded Dick Hertz, Penguins attorney. "The Penguins will neither confirm nor deny the use of another goalie at this time, however, let's be clear. The Penguins did not use another goalie on Tuesday night's game."

When reminded that the game was played on Monday, and not Tuesday night, Hertz stated the following:

"This is purely semantics and it is hyperbole. If the league wants to make allegations against this team, there will be legal action."

According to sources close to the league, the Provo Penguins hired an ex-NHL goalie to play against the Heard. Even though the alleged Penguins goalie let in four goals, the league is planning to take punitive actions, including:

1. Use of biased referees during all Penguins games
2. Allowing unnecessary roughness against the Penguins
3. Randomly changing the Penguins game schedule, or listing it under a different team name to confuse the players
4. Assigning the Penguins to locker-rooms that are already being used by other teams
5. Always making the Penguins play 'away' games
6. Making all Penguins players play with 'only' one skate while on the ice

"Are you [expletive] kidding me!!" questioned an angry Eggman. "We lost the game! Not to mention that aside from the last item on that list that stuff has been happening to our team all season long! Besides, there are a few guys on our team that might actually play better skating with only one skate!"

The league intends to determine a final course of action by end of the week, at which point Penguins front-office will make a determination if any legal action will need to be taken.

“Here’s what pisses me off,” chimed in Matt Dimock, Penguins forward. “I’m not saying we pulled in a goalie, but the alleged goalie’s form was all wrong! I never played net, but I can tell you, this guy was in between a ‘butter-fly’ goalie, and a ‘house-fly' goalie – it is all wrong! And Tragakis pinching when he should have been completely focused and aware of my position on the ice is ridiculous! If I am out of position, it is up to others to figure it out and adjust themselves accordingly, damn it! How many times do I have to yell at him and the rest of the team during a game, or in a locker-room? Is it me? Am I the only one that is truly ‘ONE’ with the entire game of hockey?”