Walpole, MA - With what can only be called 'The Greatest Game of Their Lives' on the line, the Penguins will be without their star defenseman and Captain, Chris Eighmy in tonight's game. Eighmy, who celebrated his 30th birthday last week, was rushed to the hospital with flu-like symptoms. Upon arriving at the New England Baptist, it was determined that the Eggman had contracted a severe case of venereal warts from the toilet seat in the Iorio bathroom.
"We have never seen a case this severe," commented Doctor Rusty Knuckles. "Eggman's case is a clinical nightmare, and could takes weeks to clear-up."
Doctors had begun a steady stream of Compound-W via intravenous, with the hopes that the swelling and sores would go into recession. Unfortunately, the hospital has had to roll in another cot, just to rest the giant sores, as they require their own bed at this point.
"I feel really bad for Chris," responded Mike Mearn, who had taken up residence in the hospital after contracting the bubonic plague just last week. "I'm used to being here for something, this week it was the plague, the week before it was a triple-lung by-pass...its always something! Anyway, the Mearniac is here to help the Eggman with his recovery."
Although doctors are expecting a full recovery, they will not allow Chris to play in tonight's heated tournament against the Scoprions. Removing his oxygen tube, Chris pleaded to the media, that his team play their hearts out tonight.
"I only wish that me and my severe case of venereal warts could be on the ice tonight," rasped and exhausted Eggman. "Do this one for the Eggman!"
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