Penguins Team Struggles Continue

WALPOLE, M.A. - Until further notice, there are no easy dates on what’s left of the 2009-10 schedule. The Provo Penguins are a mess, banged up physically and mentally, their reservoir of confidence drained dryer than a frat house keg at 3 a.m.

Their ineptitude against the Maple Leafs, which now has them sitting south of a playoff berth on the Lemelin Division totem pole, could grow even worse tomorrow in another match-up against the vaunted Leafs.

The list of team issues is extensive:

1. Mearn – torn labrum, swine-flu, botulism, A.D.D., glaucoma, herpes, narcolepsy, gout, punctured lung and athletes foot
2. Hickey – traded to the Pentagon Penguins team in D.C., in exchange for non-alcholic beer
3. Cronin – traded to the San Diego Sh*tShow.com team, in exchange for his unpaid registration fee, $5, a hockey cup, and 2 hockey pucks that he walked away with
4. Eggman – surprisingly volunteered for mid-season stomach staple surgery to ‘help’ his game
5. Kenney – dehydration after crying all weekend for gaining 3 lbs during the Penguins Biggest Loser competition
6. Dimock – alienated the entire team by yelling at everyone for everything he does (and doesn’t do) on the ice
7. Bilbo – wanted by authorities for hiring illegal Canadian workers to ‘massage his cruller’
8. Lutfy – under investigation for incorrectly reporting his age as ‘41’ when he is actually ‘61’
9. Curchin – did not report stats into the NESHL and is ineligible to play on the team
10. Sherwood – currently being sued by the ‘Sherwood Hockey, Corporation’ for ‘defamation of the Sherwood name, by wrongly impersonating a hockey player’
11. Tragakis – failed the Barletta ‘Learn to Skate’ program for the third straight time
12. Roode I and II – suffering from malnutrition having been unable to eat for the past two-months as they continue to work for free
13. Boomer – suffered excessive cramping after playing in two games in back to back weeks
14. Youngblood – suffering from post-dental trauma after opting to save money by having his teeth fixed by a Korean ‘dentist’ in a Mattapan basement

With seven games to go, this could prove to be the most difficult run for the team, as they have an extremely poor showing against all remaining teams. Teams in the division are no longer taking them seriously, as one player from the Maple Leafs can attest:

“I laugh in their stupid faces,” remarked one Leafs’ player who wished to remain anonymous. “It is fun to play a team that we know we will beat. When we post our team’s schedule, we just mark all games against the Penguins as ‘wins’. It is sort of a waste of time, but I guess it can be considered a ridiculously easy practice session for us.”