Walpole, Ma – The Provo Liquor Penguins may find themselves out of hockey in the not too distant future. According to a source close to Provo Liquors, the current four-game losing streak has put a sour taste into the mouths of the Provo Liquors management team.
“This has nothing to do with Bruno or Nick,” commented Provo Liquors attorney, Cameron Vitalia. “This goes way beyond that level of management. Provo Liquors signed the sponsorship agreement in good faith, and the agreement clearly states that the team ‘must rank no lower than 2nd place in the standings starting at the mid-point of the season’. There are also stipulations about certain players must perform to a certain level, and both the standings and point totals do not live-up to the agreement.”
According to the agreement, Tenaglin, Hickey, Cronin, Curchin and Mearn would need to have at least 25 points each by this time in the schedule. Only one player has achieved this point total, and of the remaining four only Cronin is close with 23-points.
“It goes without saying that the team was performing at a very high-level when we signed the agreement,” Captain Chris Eighmy admitted from his home, during a recent phone interview. “Cronin and Hickey were alternating 3+ goal nights, and the rest of the team was crashing the net and fighting for each win. We obviously have never signed a sponsorship agreement in the past, so we foolishly signed this one thinking that we would continue at the same pace as the beginning of the year.”
The agreement also has a clause, specifically outlining that the team must 'not look like they are wearing tube-tops or spandex in their new jerseys. According to Vitalia, the management at Provo Liquors will not continue to sponsor a ‘non-winning team’, or a team that looks to be wearing jerseys that are 'way too tight'.
“It does not make sense for Provo Liquors to sponsor a losing team,” Vitalia continued. “We also noticed a lot of players look they look like they are trying to fit into jerseys stolen from a five-year-old. With that said, we have had multiple conversations with other teams in the division, and may be pulling our sponsorship as soon as the end of January.”
One of the teams that Provo Liquors is looking at to sponsor is the Iceholes. When questioned about their last place standing, Vitalia had this to say.
“Provo Liquors would rather sponsor the last place team, where there is nowhere to go but up. It would be like the movie Miracle, when the US team beat Russia. No one expected it, and it truly was a miracle. If we sponsor a team like that, it could have a huge impact on Provo Liquor sales.”
According to the sponsorship agreement, if Provo Liquors pulls the sponsorship, the following stipulations would take place immediately:
1. The team would be required to return the new jerseys and socks, and the old Walpole Whalers jerseys
2. All sponsorship money would have to be returned within 3 days of notification
3. Since Provo Liquors owns the branding, the team would be forced to relinquish the new name as well as the old name (Walpole Whalers)
4. All current players on the roster would be ineligible to play hockey at any level in Massachusetts for a minimum of 17 years
5. Players would be banned from attending a hockey event in New England for a minimum of 12 years
6. The players would not be able to speak, write or allude to the name Provo, Provo Liquors, Provo Liquor Penguins ever in their lives
7. The players would need to pay $5,000 to have the team bus re-painted
8. The players could additionally be fined an additional $700 per player for driving by and ‘even looking at the Provo Liquors building’
“Let’s be clear,” Vitalia added. “We are not trying to hurt the team, the players or their families. But this is the agreement that was signed, and Provo Liquors will stand-by the agreement.”
“There was a lot of small print in the agreement,” the Eggman admitted. “I have to say we did not read it all, as we were so excited to have a sponsor, we kind of just signed it. I think it is safe to say it is a tough contract for us, as we have no rights at all.”
With a win next Monday night, the Provo Liquors Management would be willing to renegotiate the agreement. However, a win would be difficult according to at least one Iceholes player.
“The Provo Penguins suck,” taunted Sparky McGruber, Iceholes forward. “I can’t see those losers beating us ever. Sure they beat us in the last game, but they beat a lot of teams at the beginning of the season. They are a bunch of has-beens, and I would be willing to bet a large wager they won’t get a goal against us!”
Only time will tell if the Provo Penguins will remain on the ice after January. Monday night will be the biggest game of their lives.
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