Penguins MIA

Walpole, Ma – With only one-point separating the 2nd and 3rd place teams in the Lemelin Division, the Provo Penguins are amidst one of the biggest team fiascos in NESHL history. Eight games remain in the season, and the team will be playing with one-hand tied behind its back, since key players are missing from the team roster.

In the past two-weeks, six Penguins players have been missing in action, and in some cases completely missing from the planet.

“I cannot attest to the friggin whereabouts of one, Mike Mearn,” read suspected mob boss, Vinnie ‘The Nuts’ Nunzio, from a prepared statement. “What I can tell you is that the little fella known as “Mern” said some things my cousin Guido did not like. Guido is not available as he is fishing…in the ocean…for tuna or something and there is no way the little Mern fella was beaten, tied-up, and thrown into the boat with cement shoes. That just would not happen.”

Mearn (aka. Mern, O’Meara) has been missing for the past two weeks, and has not responded to emails or texts. One possible explanation, outside of the suspected mob activity, is that his shoulder is so sore, he cannot pickup his phone or his arms enough to respond to any messages sent to him.

Along with Mearn, Lutfy has also been M.I.A. this past week. With numerous emails and text messages going unanswered, no one on the team knows his whereabouts. It has caused major concern to the players and their families.

“Maybe he checked himself into one of those camps for obese people,” guessed a concerned Boomer, who was completing with Lutfy in the Penguins’ Biggest Loser competition. “Maybe he wasn’t losing weight, and decided that he would just check-into a fat-camp and lose a few pounds…if he is out there, maybe he can give me some tips…hell, I haven’t lost an ounce since starting this competition damn it!”

Also missing are Cronin and Hickey, the two super-star lovers who left in one star-filled night, and have yet to show-up at their final destination in San Francisco. They were last seen at a rest-stop on the Mass Pike, and were overheard discussing which one was ‘Thelma’ and which one was ‘Louise’. Their vehicle, a Volkwagon Beetle, was found in pieces at the bottom of a cliff, but the two men have not been spotted.

Bilbo, one of the founding members of the OML, has been missing for 3-weeks, a time that incidently coincides with the time Celine Dion announced her ‘North American Tour’ – it is suspected that he has signed-on as her hair and make-up artist for all concerts. Bilbo was not available for comment, but a Celine press statement stated ‘Bilbo is my friggin bitch’, which could possibly be some indication of his whereabouts.

The final player that is in hiding, is Ryan Curchin, who has been missing from all team activities, and life in general since attending the last game. Luckily a call to his mother has calmed fears that he had lost his job at the Taco Bell.

“Ryan is grounded,” barked his angry mother. “I told him three times not to hit his brother, and what does he do?? Three minutes in the back seat of the station wagon, and he’s hitting his brother. That is the last trip to Chucky Cheese for a while!”

With all these missing players, all parties are concerned. Calls have been rampant between the league and the team, and across the newswire.

“It is difficult,” grimaced Eggman, who was in the middle of his 3rd colonic for the day. “I talked to Coach Douchey and he is concerned too although he didn’t recognize any of the players names that I mentioned. In any case, between me trying to lose 54 pounds, and now all these missing players, this is going to be a tough run at the playoffs. Bottom line is, it is time to play or die…that is my new motto…play or die! My other motto is 'give me some damn pizza or I will die'”