Hickey Moves-on

Walpole, Ma - Sean Hickey, the adolescent Penguins superstar, has move down to Washington D.C. in what can only be called an exteremely selfish move. Hickey, who led the team in points with 24, left without a word this past week to work at the Pentagon.

"I should have known," a distraught Eggman commented, as he rocked back and forth in a dark corner in his basement. "I should have known when he was leaving. Why?! Why did he have to go? Why didn't he say goodbye? How are we going to make the playoffs with the rest of these clowns? Damn you Sean Hickey!!"

Hickey set many records during his tenure with the team, including attaining the highest points and being the only player to reach puberty while playing in a senior hockey team.

"I don't know if you can call one "pubic hair", reaching puberty," admitted his mom, who was busy baking him cookies to send in his first care-package. "He had one pube and a acne all over his ass, so who knows?"

The first offensive line is in turmoil, and both Cronin and Curchin were last seen spooning Giuseppe while quietly weeping. Although Cronin can actually play hockey, it is a common known fact that Curchin's points were the result of playing with Hickey on the first line.

"He was so young and handsome," Curchin blurted out through his tears. "I mean Bilbo is a complete stud, but Hickey was hairless...Giuseppe hold me!"

The news comes as the Penguins face-off against Eagle Brook, a team tied for 3rd place with the Penguins. The game will be played tonight at Iorio, and it is expected to be the biggest game of their lives. The Penguins have been reeling from a 3-game losing streak, and were hoping to break the streak tonight with a win. Without Hickey it will be difficult.

"Hickey left?" Questioned Tragakis. "Where is his jersey? We put the damn name plates on the back so we can re-use the jerseys. And the little shit walks away with his jersey? I want the [expletive] jersey back you little [expletive]!"