Player's Corner

When we caught up with Todd Cronin, he was knee-deep in the development of his newest website 'Manwhore.com'. The Penguins had just come off the road with a 3-2 win over the Coops Bar and Grill team, and Todd was winding down from the win immersing himself in gay-porn.

"Some guys masterbate," admitted Cronin. "Other guys like to shove bottles up their own asses. I design gay websites. In many ways, it helps me to better define my game, and to play a more sexual style of hockey when I'm on the ice. The down-side is that I dry-hump my teamates when they come off the ice, but it is a price I'm willing to pay to be the best."

With 11 goals and 11 assists, Todd is one of the most complete players to ever wear a Penguins jersey. His teamate, and roomate John "Youngblood" Tenaglin has 8 goals and 8 assists on the season, making the two players the greatest couple to play hockey for the Penguins.

"I'm not a big person," continued Cronin, who was wearing a mink coat and smoking a Virginia Slims cigarette. "In fact I'm only 4'4" tall. So I have trouble tying my own skates with my itty-bitty hands - and having a teamate like Youngblood help me tie my own skates is huge!"

One issue with his size is that he has been mistaken for some famous hockey players in the past.

"I get mistaken all the time," Cronin chuckled. "Just last week, they thought I was Teddy Penderpuss, the 8-year old mini one-on-one champion from Sanford, Maine. I'm obviously a lot smaller than Teddy, but it is fun just the same!"

Cronin scored two hat tricks this year, proving once again that size doesn't matter. One of the other components to his game, is his ability to take advantage of the NESHL installment plan. The pay-as-you-go plan works well for him, since he can play for other teams at the same time.

"I thought everyone payed as they played," he admitted. "I pretty much pay when I want and play when I want. That gives me a lot of flexibility in deciding which team or teams I will be affiliated with. Currently I play for two teams other than the Penguins...the only difference is that I have paid both of those other teams in full. Each year, I put each team I play for in priority order of preference and I pay the top two teams on my list."

One bonus of being mistaken for Teddy Penderpuss, is that he can wear Penderpuss' hand-me-down hockey equipment. The money he saves on equipment, he pays to the teams other than the Penguins, to pay them in full.

The mid-point in the winter season can be tough on many young players, but for a veteran like Cronin, it is old-hat.

"As long as I can curl-up every night with my gay-porn websites, I can play one-thousand games in a season," Cronin admitted. "At the end of the day it is about relaxing and learning to maximize the screen-size in order to get a great shot on a guys dong."

Some sage words from our player of the week.