Penguins Score Twice in a Stunning Victory!

Walpole, Ma – In what is sure to be deemed a stunning victory, the mighty Provo Penguins scored two goals in last night’s game against the Maple Leafs, proving to the world that they can score at will. The Penguins two-goal game made the stunning victory a lopsided event.

“We have played in close games before,” commented Captain Eggman after the game. “And sometimes two goals is enough to win a game, and sometimes it isn’t. Tonight we scored two goals.”

The Penguins looked strong in the first period, with a bench stacked with players. The OML (Old Man Line) carried the team with the first goal of the night by John Lutfy, who had just returned from PGN or Post Game Narcolepsy. According to doctors, Lutfy suffers from PGN, which causes him to sleep for five-weeks immediately following a game, and is the reason no one has seen him on the ice since October. The goal was assisted by the puke-master Mern (no longer spelled Mearn).

“Hey YGL, how does my ass taste?” questioned Lutfy, referring to the Young Guy Line, who who went scoreless on the night. “That’s the [expletive] I’m saying bitches! When Lutfy plays, Lutfy gets goals mother-[expletive]! See you bitches in January!”

In the same period, Lutfy managed to go to the penalty box, only making his monthly return that much more impressive. To finish up the goal scoring, Kenney made a move off the blue-line in the third period that shocked the Leafs, and the Penguins, and drilled the puck into the net. He was assisted by Curchin, who has 37 assists on the season, and Youngblood, who still doesn’t understand why he is playing in the C-/D+ level.

“Shock and awe,” remarked an elated Sean Kenney. “That is how I roll! When I play I shock and awe my teammates and the opposing players with my moves. I’m not sure they knew what hit them when I skated over the blue-line.”

Although the two-goal evening was beyond anyone’s wildest dreams, there were some issues with ‘pinching’ during the game. Roode I called an impromptu timeout in the third period, and slammed his stick to the ground in order to show his utter disgust. Unfortunately, the impact of the stick on the ice gave him his 76th concussion of the season.

Aside from the pinching, the Penguins put up two goals, and played in one of the most lopsided victories in NESHL history. Next up for the team, is Coops Bar and Grille 2.

“After tonight’s game, we are ready for anyone,” commented Sherwood, whose play made the OML proud. “Anyone…”