Walpole, Ma - The Maple Leafs team is stacked, really stacked. It has been common knowledge that the Maple Leafs rely upon a core team of ex-AHL and ex-ECHL players, but the news out of Walpole now indicates that the Leafs have also pulled in international players to augment their team. In a surprise move, the Maple Leafs have brought onboard a handful of East German women hockey players, that have all competed at the Olympic level in the past.
"Penguins are Sitzen Spritzers," shouted Anette, an East German player now playing for the Maple Leafs. "We will destroy the Penguins. If you do not understand my German, go look it up you Penguins Varm Ducher!"
The literal translation of these two expressions is 'someone who sits when they pee' and 'someone who takes a warm shower', which is considered to be a sign of weakness in Germany. While many of the Maple Leafs players deny having brought in German ringers, many of them could not respond to questioning because they did not actually speak English.
"I'm frightened," commented Lutfy, who has only played in one game this year. "Although I find the East German women attractive, they are very scary. I may not show-up for this game. Who am I kidding? I'm not showing up to the game no matter who we are playing! But they are still damn scary!"
While some of the players have expressed concern, many of the Penguins players are taking the challenge head-on.
"How do you say 'carpet-muncher' in German?" Asked an inquisitive Roode 1. "Or Bull-Dyke? I don't want any of those freaks to misunderstand me when they are in front of my net tonight!"
This sentiment was also reiterated by the Penguins defenseman, 'Youngblood".
"You have to be [expletive] kidding me," Youndblood responded. "I dated bigger and fatter women than this…now the ones I dated never actually had a meat-cleaver in their pants, at least I don't remember them having a bratwurst between their legs, I was pretty drunk to be honest. In any case they don't frighten me. Hell I'm excited! I mean really, really excited. Does anyone have their phone numbers?"
The Provo Penguins management team is actively looking into these allegations, but since a key player on the Leafs is also a key member of the NESHL team, they are hitting roadblocks. Expectations are that the Leafs team of ringers will take the ice tonight against the Penguins, since nothing will be accomplished in the short-term. But at least the sponsor of the Penguins was not concerned.
"Things happen to good people," shrugged Bruno. "Things happen to German people. I'm not saying something is going to happen to those people if they show-up at the rink tonight, because that would be wrong. I'm just saying that sometimes people get hurt for no reason. I'd hate for something like that to happen to these lovely ladies. There are some mean people out there, that's all I'm saying."
In the past four games against the Maple Leafs, the Penguins have not won a game. The game tonight is sure to be the greatest game of Penguins lives, and will prove once and for all if they have what it takes to make it to a C/C+ level of play.
"I want every swinging dick on the ice tonight," barked the Eggman. "I mean everyone! Our game schedule has been tampered with, teams have brought in ringers in the past, the blog has been banned in over 40 states, and we have had to play with only 6 guys total in the past! This is time I'm calling a [expletive] APB for God's sake! Cronin and Hickey each better get a hat trick tonight. I want two goals from Youngblood! I want to see that buff Canadian dude on the OML tonight! Hell I want the entire OML to double-up on their blood-pressure medicine tonight so that their friggin hearts don't explode. I want to see Curchin trying…that's it I just want to see him trying. I want to see a clean and sober Roode II…strike that, he probably plays better stoned. This is the greatest game of our entire lives damn it! Drink a Red Bull between periods if that is what it [expletive] takes!"
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