Penguins in Turmoil

Foxboro, MA - With only minutes to go until gametime, many of the Penguins players had no idea there was even a game. According to hockey insider, Burt Rapstein, the Provo Penguins blog and the NESHL schedule were out of sync. Why they were out of sync is currently being reviewed by both team and league officials.

"Ummm," began Penguins forward Steve Tragakis. "If I were to guess, I would say that there was a terrorist plot designed to destroy the inner fabric of America, starting with division D+ hockey. It is pretty obvious that this is the work of Al Queda or some other terrorist organization. Of course, there is always the outside chance I just plain fucked up the schedule on the blog, but I think we should at least investigate a massive terrorist plot!"

The schedule conflict comes at a time in which the Penguins are struggling, and have lost their last two games. According to at least one source the team has seemingly quit on the coaching staff. Players are quitting and/or throwing the game intentionally, according to this source, and the inner fighting has gotten out of hand. Along with the schedule issue, star player Lutfy refused to play in the game.

"Lutfy is an Assist machine," commented Bruce Cornhole, Lutfy's agent. "Lufty could be playing C- hockey right now, but instead has offered his services to play D+. At this time my client is re-evaluating his options, including playing in the higher division. When the Penguins recognize my clients abilities, and install the damn espresso maker on the bench, he will gladly continue to play solid D+ hockey."

It has also been noted that super-star Sean Hickey is scoreless in his last four games. With Christmas around the corner, it is assumed that the holidays are a big distraction for the hockey phenom.

"I want a train, and a squirt gun," a jubilant Hickey exclaimed. "And xBox 360 Live, and a laser tag game, and the new Lego Star Wars death star, and a remote control helicopter, and cologne for my dad, and perfume for my mom...and a PUPPY!"

Other rumors include the fact that a certain player, Youngblood intentionally threw the game.

"Youngblood does not throw games," responded Youngblood, referring to himself in the 3rd person, from his table at the Foxxy Lady. "Youngblood is the greatest player to ever wear a Penguins jersey. And now that Hickey isn't scoring, Youngblood is even better...let's just say that Youngblood played out of his skull last night, and he was probably out of his skull last night too! Youngblood loves Waxeys Pub!."

The infighting and the lack of motivation is causing the team to slip in the standings, and there appears to be no end in sight unless something drastic happens. In a bold effort to get the team back on track, team Captain Eggman tried to jump-start these drastic measures, and scored a goal on his own team. In the first period, the Eggman intentionally deflected a goal past Roode 1, and scored for The Herd. The Eggman and all but one player refused to comment on this strange tactic, however, Ryan Curchin had this to say.

"I get the assist on the goal right?! That's right mother-[expletive], I get the assist! Who cares who's net it went into...I get the assist right? It's only fair! Come on, don't I get the assist?"