Penguins Plagued by Adversity

Walpole, Ma - With yesterday's announcement of a possible trade, this week was shaping-up to be the most tumultuous week in Provo Penguins history, and the latest news is only adding fuel to the fire. The Provo Penguins will be faced with more distractions this week, which are expected to adversly affect their game on Monday against division rivals Analog.

Although the rumors on the trade have been denied today, the news is equally as difficult to swallow if you are a Penguins fan. Star forward Sean Hickey, also known as Young-Gun Son of Youngblood, has announced that he will be taking a leave of absence from the team starting in January. With 19 points on the season, this can only be seen as great news for the rest of the Lemelin Division.

"It just makes sense at this time," commented Hickey during his school recess. "My Dad works at the Pentagon, and he is being relocated there for a few months. I'm just hopeful I can make new friends down there, it's is hard moving when you are still in 8th grade!"

Captain Chris Eighmy is heading to the Garden tonight, to scout out other mini-one-on-one twelve-year olds to replace Hickey.

"We had some luck with Hickey being only 12 or 13 years old," Eggman admitted. "So I figure we will stay in that age-range to replace him."

This news was coupled with disturbing news that Mike Mearn (for those new readers, this is pronounced MERN...not MEARN like it is spelled), was found beaten and left for dead in a garbage dumpster outside of the Chili's Restaurant in Walpole. According to sources, 20 men all wearing Analog hockey jerseys, and carrying hockey sticks that said 'We Play Hockey for Analog', beat him senseless when Mearn (from now on let's just write it Mern), revealed his Provo Penguins tattoo on his ass to some hot little ladies at the bar.

"The little fella named Meeeeern, gave it all he had," remarked a person who witnessed the whole thing. "I thought he had them when he num-chucked the living crap out of the first ten, but the rest of them kept coming, and coming. They kept yelling "Die You Penguins Mo-fo [expletive removed], you sick strangley pronounced named mo-fo, die". It was rather scary to tell you the truth. If we weren't drinking so much we would have called the police sooner."

Mern was found in the dumpster, and immediately flown to the hopital, where it was discovered he had been branded with the words:

"Analog Rules we will kill you Mern-Mo-Fo, Die scumbag, die you little creapy little bastard freak, redrum, helterskelter, ps we did it Analog rules!!!"

Police have no suspects at this time. Mern is currently undergoing a triple-lung transplant, and will recieve a new liver, legs, and vertebrae. Doctors expect him to make a full recovery, and don't see why he could not play in the upcoming game.

All this would seem more than enough to distract the team, however it was also learned that Ryan Roode (Roode II), had contracted vaginal-warts, which would explain why he is tied for points with Boomer, who has not played a game this season.

"That is just wrong," Roode II explained. "If you go after my brother I will kill you. No one goes after my brother - wait a minute...did you say I had vaginal-warts??? When my brother sees this he is going to kill you!"

Unfortunately, Roode I was not available for comment, as he had just given himself another concussion, which takes him upwards of 3-dozen concussions this month. He was unable to play in the last game, due to the fact that he also had contracted vaginal-warts.

"Okay, that's it," barked an angry Roode II. "Mother-[expletive], you just went after my brother, now I'm going to kill you, you blog writing-mother-[expletive]!"

When reached at his home in Toronto, Penguins Coach Jacques St. Douchey, had this to say.

"Those crazy bastards are just about the best damn thing I have going for me right now," Douchey remarked. "One of these days I am going to get on a plane and fly down there and meet them all in person. I think they realize this is the biggest game of their lives...if you could pass that on to them that would be great too."