Penguins Take Train to Blundersville!

Foxboro, Ma – With the words of Neil Finklestein ringing in their ears, the Provo Penguins produced blunder after blunder in what is sure to be considered the biggest game of their lives. With goals coming from the usual suspects, Youngblood, Young-Gun and Cronin and a surprise visit to the net with the puck by Roode II, it was still not enough to overcome the blunders that led to an Analog victory and a potential league suspension.

“My client acted in accordance with the guidelines set by the NESHL,” stated Bud Love, attorney for Ryan Roode. “According to the guidelines, each player is to ‘bring’ beer to the games. Mr. Roode ‘brought’ beer.”

Mr. Love was referring to the fact that Ryan Roode brought beer to the game but did not share or disseminate the beer to other players on the team.

“If you bring beer, you must share,” responded Penguins attorney Larry Klein. “Let me say that again. If you bring beer, you must share. It is simple, and it is the truth. What Mr. Roode neglected to do was ‘share the beer’. If the Red Sox had El Guapo, the Penguins have El Cheapo.”

Roode II, now known as El Cheapo, brought a four-pack of beer to the game, and unbeknownst to the players, packed the beer into his hockey-bag without offering the beer to any of the players. According to El Cheapo, he offered the beer, but no one responded. However, a decibel meter that had been installed in the locker room by the league to measure the correlation of locker room noise and the potential loss of player’s hearing, never registered a single decibel.

“El Cheapo made five egregious mistakes,” continued Klein, during the press conference. “These mistakes will haunt El Cheapo for the rest of his career in the NESHL. We should be celebrating El Cheapo’s goal, instead the organization is contemplating a suspension.”

The mistakes Mr. Klein was referring to were made available to the press after the game, and include the following:

1) Bringing bottles instead of cans
2) Bringing a 4-pack for fourteen players
3) Publicly stating in the locker-room before the game that he had ‘brought’ beer
4) Purchasing the beer from a non-Provo location
5) Not sharing the beer

“The statistics are based on ‘bringing’ beer,” emphasized El Cheapo’s attorney. “Not on ‘sharing’ the beer. As previously stated, my client ‘brought’ beer.”

It is currently noted that Roode II has a ‘DQ’ or has been disqualified for the BB (Brought Beer) statistic until the league makes a final ruling on this matter. Players and fans were disappointed, and the suspension may be the least of El Cheapo’s problems. Last night after the game, the Penguins fans held a vigil outside of the Foxboro Sports Center, and chanted ‘Share the beer! Share the beer! Share the beer!’.

“This will become the biggest PR nightmare since the Michael Vick debacle,” commented one hockey analyst. “El Cheapo has single-handedly taken center stage in a blunder that will affect his relationship with the team and the public. If there were a PETB [People for the Ethical Treatment of Beer], or an equivalent group, El Cheapo would be drummed out of town.”

Jacques Douchey, Penguins Coach, was unavailable for comment, however his front office had this to say:

“It is a shame that a Probo Pelicans player acted in this manner. The coach and his staff would actively look into this issue, if they weren’t also coaching a TSHL (Toronto Senior Hockey League) team. This player and the Pelicans team should feel shame.”