Walpole, Ma – With the season on the line, the Captain of the Provo Penguins sacrificed his body at last night’s game between the Bruins and the Penguins, in a last ditch effort to replace super-star Sean Hickey. With contract negotiations falling through with little Robby Conroy, the thirteen year-old hockey phenomenon from Wawa Pennsylvania, the Egg-man put it all on-the-line.
“When I found out that Hickey was leaving,” stated the Egg-man from the Wawa prison. “I knew something had to be done. I tried recruiting little Jeremy Larson after the mini-one-on-one the other night at the Garden, but the little shit wanted way too much money. So Robby Conroy was all I had left to keep the season alive.”
According to police reports, little Robby took the puck during the 2nd intermission at the blue-line to start his mini-one-on-one debut, when a naked and feces smeared Egg-man leapt over the glass panels and ran out onto the ice at Mellon Arena and tackled little Robby. All the while, the Egg-man was screaming ‘I’ll eat your lunch you little [expletive] piece of [expletive]!’.
“That little [expletive] wanted more money than the Larson kid,” explained the Egg-man. “He’s a little older than Hickey, but to be honest he is not as good. But seeing how we are about to blow an entire season with the loss of Hickey, I did what I felt was necessary.”
What was ‘necessary’, according to the sixty-thousand or more witnesses in the stands that night, was to run out onto the ice and tackle little Robby as he neared the net. The naked and feces smeared Eighmy than began body slamming little Robby on the ice, as the little thirteen year-old lay motionless.
“Hockey is a contact sport,” chuckled star defenseman Youngblood. “I’ve never actually seen the Egg-man move so fast, and it actually looked to be a pretty good move defensively…if you don’t count the fact the Egg-man has two-hundred pounds on the kid…and that he was naked and smeared with feces. In a strange way, I’m proud of my defensive partner. I’m not sure what all the fuss is over Hickey though, I’m still the best guy out there!”
When police tried to restrain the Egg-man, he body slammed the thirteen year-old one more time, and ran off the ice. He was later found humping the front-left tire of the Zamboni. Police then restrained the Egg-man and brought him to Wawa prison.
“The Egg-man is in a very, very dark place right now,” stated Harry A. Hole, Penguins Attorney. “Hickey means a lot to the team, and means a lot to Egg-man. Now the parents, and sixty-thousand odd fans, plus the entire country who watched the game may not agree, but we here in the Penguins Organization feel that the little thirteen year-old had it coming!”
According to the police report, Eighmy chose to use his one phone call from prison to call President Obama, asking for a Presidential pardon, along with request to get Roode I's friend back early from his tour of duty in Afghanistan in order to take-over the open roster spot.
“We realize there are other issues out there in the world,” admitted Penguins attorney A. Hole. “World peace, world hunger, global warming…and these are all noble causes. But let’s not belittle the importance of Penguins Hockey. Hockey is real and in your face – the Penguins need a super-star right now, and asking the President for his support on this, is on par with those other causes.”
According to White House sources, the President has called off his recent trip to Iraq and Afghanistan in order to sort out this matter in a ‘timely’ fashion. In the meantime, the Egg-man has been released from prison to play in the upcoming game against Analog, but will be wearing an ankle bracelet to monitor his whereabouts.
Meanwhile, the Conroy family has pressed charges, and has filed a restraining order against the entire Penguins Organization.
No comments:
Post a Comment