Interoffice disputing is causing a massive divide between the Provo Penguins management team, and in turn may have adverse affects on the team’s performance. Recent discussions on the new team logo are turning ugly, as the infighting continues to escalate in the front-office.
The infighting seems to be directly related to pressure being applied to the screen printer, Estaban Gonzalez Munoz Velez, who has recently brought information to the table that a certain member of the Penguins management team has been sabotaging the production of the new team jerseys. According to Velez, this Penguins official has been applying so much pressure to his already tight timelines, that even the illegal children working in his sweat-shop are starting to complain, and are now discussing forming a union to combat the extra pressure.
“If they spoke English, I would be out of a job right now,” Velez complained. “They normally work 12-15 hours a day, and because of this added pressure from the Penguins, they are working 20 hours a day. Even I am starting to be concerned for these children…not overly concerned, but concerned.”
According to sources close to the organization, this pressure stems from jealousy towards the captain of the team and his prowess at creating an all-star team. Although nothing has been made official, speculation has it that an impatient Steve ‘T-Bone’ Tragakis is pressuring the screen-printer.
“This is bull-[expletive],” announced T-Bone, who was busy applying Mcdonald's fry-o-lator grease to his body, a technique once used by the East German Women’s Hockey team in order to increase speed on the ice. "This [expletive] is going to make me faster and I’ll smell like fries, so the fast players can’t keep up, and the fat players will be so preoccupied with the fried food smell, I’ll be unstoppable! As for this [expletive] about me sabotaging the screen printer? That [expletive] is whacked. All I want is an official team jersey, so that once-and-for-all, I can prove to my friends I am really on the team!”
Chris “Egg-man” Eighmy, fought back tears when he heard the news that one of his most trusted players may have sabotaged the team, although the tears could have been caused from his recent herpes outbreak, caused from sitting on one of the Iorio toilets.
"I thought of all people we could trust, it would be T-bone,” Eighmy stated. “This mother-[expletive] is going to destroy our great working relationship, and low costs associated with working with Velez’s sweat-shop. It is hard to find a good sweat-shop these days, so when you do, you have to nurture, not pressure that relationship.”
In regards to players greasing his bodies before games, Eighmy had this to say.
“For the record, if anyone is greasing-up before games, I will conduct a detailed investigation personally, and punishments will be handed out. It is one thing to see Curchin offering to grease players up after the games, but this [expletive] is ridiculous!"
Along with T-Bone Tragakis, it is also rumored that the Sean “Young Gun” Hickey had been greasing before games, which may have given him the edge which produced a hat-trick last game against Analog. Although Hickey was not available for comment, a trail of grease was visible in the parking-lot, leading to where his car had been parked.
“Who the hell are Hickey and Tragakis? And who the hell is Velez for that matter?” commented a disgruntled Sean Kenney. “Am I on the right team? I thought I played for the Whalers? Did I miss a game last week? Why the hell didn’t anyone call me? Am I supposed to check the [expletive] schedule myself? Why can’t one of those kids in the sweat-shop give me a call to let me know we are playing a game? This sucks!”
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