Amid rumors that the Eagle Brook Hockey team had stacked its team with ex-NHL players, the NESHL hired the NPT - the 'NHL Profiler Team' - a group of investigative experts that use tell-tale signs such as missing teeth, limping and excessive use of profanity, in order to positively identify ex-NHL and ex-AHL players in the Senior Hockey League.
The NPT was supposed to be at the Foxboro Arena last night. Coincidentally, at least seven players did not show-up to the game last night for Eagle Brook, leaving their doubters scratching their heads.
"This is bull [expletive]," barked an angry Eagle Brook player. "Our team does not have ex-NHL, ex-AHL players on it! The guys that did not show-up just didn't show-up. Half of them can't even skate! Our guys are closer to being in the AARP than the NHL! We were just short-handed damn it!"
With all these rumors and a solid showing by the newly branded Provo Liquor Penguins, it was a lopsided 7-2 victory for the Penguins, bringing their record to 2-1-1.
"I am really proud of our boys tonight," commented Provo Liquors co-owner Bruno. "I thought it might take this team a while to come together after our recent sponsorship of the team, but that was obviously not the case. These guys came to play, and I'm proud to be a part of this team."
When the first period came to a close, the Penguins had only a 1-0 lead, with a goal by Todd Cronin. In the second period, Youngblood had two goals, giving the Penguins a 3-1 lead. In the third period, the Penguins brought on an onslaught of shots in front of the net, giving the team a 7-2 lead and the win. With two goals from Cronin (giving him a hat-trick), and goals by Raposo, Hickey, the Penguins were on fire.
“The game changer from my perspective was when Tragakis dove in front of the puck, to stop a slap-shot,” proclaimed goalie Roode I. “Diving in front of a puck with a 7-2 lead just might have been the gutsiest thing I have ever seen. I know it was definitely the stupidest thing I have ever seen, but it just might have been pretty gutsy too!
Flying under the radar, non-paying mother [expletive] Ryan Curchin had three assists on the night, tying him with Cronin for the most points on the team by non-paying players.
"This is Penguins hockey," Penguins defenseman Sean Kenney remarked. "Our goal is to play teams that are really, really short-handed, and hope we can wait them out. In this case, those old bastards were winded in the first period. Normally, that is us. But tonight, was our night!"
The word on the street is that the Penguins 'piled on' the goals in the end, and that they should have pulled their goalie in the third period.
"Are you [expletive] kidding me?" questioned an angry Penguins Captain, Chris Eighmy. "Pull our goalie? You have to be [expletive] kidding me! Now I think I've heard it all! Who the [expletive] comes up with this [expletive] bull [expletive], [expletive], [expletive], [expletive]!"
It will surely be a battle when these two teams meet again in the future, especially if Eagle Brook shows-up with their full 25-man, ex-NHL roster. This is senior hockey at its best!
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