Hockey Player Beaten...Again!

The player who was severely beaten at the Peking Garden Restaurant two weeks ago, was once again found beaten and barely alive this morning, after suffering another round of beatings. This time Provo Penguins forward Mike Mearn was found bruised and beaten, after getting thrashed by a band of thugs wearing Eagle Brook hockey jerseys.

Mearn, whose entire body had been covered with Walpole Whalers tattoos after the Peking Garden incident, had just gone through laser removal surgery, and had all new Provo Penguins tattoos put in their place. The entire procedure took 72-hours, and required over 4 gallons of tattoo ink. In all, the procedure took a lot out of Mearn, who was barely able to defend himself.

"It was horrible," one unidentified witness proclaimed. "The little fella' was coming out of Provo Liquors, which is a really, really nice fine wine and spirits store, when he was surrounded by a band of hoodlums. There must have been at least 15 of them, all wearing Eagle Brook jerseys, and all saying 'death to the Provo Liquor Penguins."

According to this witness, Mearn managed to num-chuk a few of the belligerent bastards, before the hoodlums took skate blades taped to the ends of their hockey sticks, and nearly slashed him to death.

"It was ruthless," admitted Penguins player Todd Cronin. "I was there and saw the whole thing; I mean I was literally two feet from the whole fight. I easily could have stepped in and help him out, but I am still undecided as to whether or not I will play for the Penguins. Because of that, I did not want to jump in and spoil my chances to play for another team. Poor bastard. It would have been so easy for me to step in and help him out, or even just call the police, but again, I didn't want to pick sides until I have picked my team. Hey, I might end up playing for Eagle Brook, and how would that have looked?"

Mearn is recovering from a double-lung transplant, a heart transplant, and his legs have been removed and replaced with bionic legs. The only good news is that he is expected to play in tonight’s match-up with the Eagle Brook team.

"At this point we think he will play," Dr. Vah Gina reported via email. "There were concerns at first that his body might reject the penguin heart we used to replace it, but the kid is strong, and he is coming through great. As far as we are concerned, he can play hockey as soon as tonight. His only request was for Provo Penguins tattoos to be put onto his new bionic legs, which is underway now. The kid has the heart of a Penguin!"

This incident marks a series of violent acts in the senior hockey league, and has local authorities scratching their heads. So far no charges have been filed, and police have no suspects even though the thugs left this message taped to Mearn; "We are the Eagle Brook Hockey Team, and we will do this to any team that tries to get in our way. See you on the rink!"

The Provo Penguins have a lot to play for tonight. Their teammate Mearn, their pride, and their new sponsor Provo Liquors (which is an AWESOME liquor store). Tonight will prove to the world, if they have what it takes to make it to the next level. Until then, only questions remain about the senseless beatings.

"He sure is dedicated," commented veteran hockey player Matt Dimock. "Here's a guy that covers his entire body with team tattoos to show his dedication, and I randomly don't even show-up to games. Go figure!"