It was a simple request. Call the hockey shop, and order six new, jerseys for the Whalers Hockey Team. This simple request turned violent yesterday, when the jerseys did not arrive as scheduled, and the victim known as ‘Bilbo’, lost his cool.
"How was I to know who he was?" Bilbo whistled through his broken teeth and jaw, while recovering in the hospital. "He was supposed to have the jerseys last Monday, than he told me Tuesday, and then Wednesday. So when it was Thursday and still no jerseys, I told him what I thought of him. In so many words, I told him he played hockey like he was from Mexico, and that I would Canadian-bacon his ass."
The man he told this too was Pierre ‘The Puck’ Dupont, Montreal's notorious mafia mob boss. Pierre has been under investigation since 1993, and allegedly uses the Dupont Hockey Store as a ‘front’ to his illegal mob activities.
"As hockey is the national pastime, this is quite an insult," admitted long time Canadian translator Doug Rizzuto, referring to the comment Bilbo made to Pierre about playing hockey like he was ‘from Mexico’. "I can't understand anything Canadians say, to be honest, but I know they don't like it when you make fun of their hockey skills."
“I told Egg-man [Whalers Captain, Chris Eighmy] that I didn’t have the jerseys, and he was pissed,” continued Bilbo. “So I figured I should take it out on the hockey store owner…only I didn’t know what I was doing, or who I was talking too.”
According to the Walpole Police, Bilbo was 'barking up the wrong tree', when he mistakenly threatened Canada's mob boss. What happened next is based on hearsay, as all evidence was destroyed by Dupont's men. At 5'2" tall, 'The Puck' entered the donut shop along with three of his henchmen. Sealing off all exits, he removed the slew of illegal Canadian immigrant doughnut-workers from the store. From there, it got pretty ugly.
“Bilbo is a lucky man,” commented Dr. Vah Gina. “We were able to remove all six, pink jerseys from his anal cavity, along with the bonus bag of pucks. We are expecting a full recovery from this procedure.”
The Egg-man was more than angry over these events, and had to be restrained in his hospital room, where he is recovering from a complete knee-replacement procedure.
“Pink, jerseys? Pink, jerseys? Are you [expletive] kidding me?!” Eighmy shouted into the phone. “That piece of [expletive]! I ask him to do one thing, and not only is he a week late, but he can’t even get the right colored jerseys shoved up his ass! Get me the [expletive] phone book, I’ll order the damn jerseys myself!”
No charges have been brought against ‘The Puck’, who commented on the events from his home.
“It sounds like the Doughnut-man had a terrible accident…that’s a shame,” Dupont remarked. “Maybe the Doughnut-man should stick to making doughnuts, and not get mixed up in ordering things he is not familiar with.”
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