NESHL Contacted Because Player Contracted

Bad luck or bad sportsmanship? It's a fine line when it comes to getting an advantage in hockey, especially in a league as competitive as the NESHL. Just hours before the first official puck drop, which will signify the start of the '09 winter season, the Whalers Organization was notified that one player may not be playing.

"This is horse [expletive]," yelled Eighmy, when notified of the news. "We are in a D+ division, which is just one step down from C, for gods-sake! I expect some competitive grab-ass, but this is way over the top!"

What Eighmy was referring too, was the loss of their key player, Sean Hickey. Hickey, who turns eighteen this Saturday, will not only miss the game, but has contracted Venereal Warts.

"I would expect this from some of the other guys," Eighmy continued. "But the kid is so young to get venereal warts...hell I didn't get my first batch until I was twenty-two!"

What is called into question is 'how' the young star contracted the warts. According to sources within the NESHL, the Icebreakers (who are playing the Whalers in tonights match-up), sent three prostitutes to Hickeys room last night, knowing that all three of them had just recently tested positive for venereal warts, herpes simplex 11, and HRC (hyper rotten crotch). According to our source, the Icebreakers paid for the diseased prostitutes, in an attempt to land the sixteen year-old on the bench or in the hospital for the game.

"We will get to the bottom of this [expletive]," ranted Jim Buxbaum, attorney for the Whalers. "Paying for some prostitutes is one thing, paying for disease ridden prostitutes carrying candy is another. The Whaler organization will not rest until this is resolved in the court of law!"

In a police report, it was reported that Hickey would not allow the scantily clad prostitutes into his room unitl they pulled out candy and Happy Meal toys. Once he saw these, he let them in.

"The kid is only twelve," commented one unnamed source. "I can't think of anything lower than that - using candy to lure a young kid into your bed...what happened to the old days of just using a few Roofies?"

Although Hickey was unavailable for comment, his gym teacher said that aside from the puss dripping from his legs, ass, etc., he didn't look that bad. His status is hour by hour right now, and it will be a game time decision if he plays at all. The Icebreakers Organization was unavailable for comment.