Foxboro, MA – The Provo Penguins dismantled the once league-dominant Analog team, by a score of 3-2 last night at the Foxboro Sports Center. The victory marks two in a row for the Penguins, and marks the first time the team has won back-to-back games since January 3rd. Goals were scored by Wilmot, Youngblood and S-Hickey, much to the delight of players and fans.
But what is most interesting about this win, is the attention it has raised with a currently unknown suitor who has allegedly emerged, looking to buy the team and move them to Dedham.
“If you have the cash, this is the team to be looking at,” commented Tom Kankers, Senior Hockey Insider Times Magazine (S.H.I.T.M.). “Here is a team with players like Rob Tenaglia, who proved his dominance going both ways last night. He is as strong offensively as he is defensively, which is very cool. And of course you have players like Wilmot who are scoring at will on other teams. These two are the future of the franchise.”
The alleged purchase of the team was leaked to the media last night, however very little is known about the deal at this time.
“It appears that a very rich, very eccentric person with the initials EBJ has reached out in order to make a deal and purchase the team,” stated a source close to the Penguins. “What we know is that he owns many car dealerships in the local area and plays in a band. However, we have no idea who he is at this time.”
Along with the potential purchase, a few specifics were leaked to the media, and the following options are apparently on the table and under negotiations at this time:
- New Penguin’s jerseys every 6-weeks for the entire team
- A dental plan that excludes coverage of all front teeth on the top and bottom of the mouth
- Team charter bus to all Thursday night games in November
- Free annual back ‘waxing’ hair removal (Kenney not included)
- 10% off ADHD medicine (Curchin not included)
- Free demo rides in a used Hyundai with each purchase of a new car at any number of “EBJ” dealerships
- Colonoscopies administered weekly at Walpole’s Cedar Junction
Massachusetts Correctional Facility
Although the terms have not been finalized, and the deal is nothing more than rumor at this time, at least one player expressed some disappointment with the deal.
“New team jerseys every 6-weeks?” questioned the player, who wished to conceal his identity. “How is that different than today? Every time we turn around Tragakis is buying new team jerseys! If that is seriously a part of the deal than it is a joke! Everything else sounded pretty good, though!”
The Penguins find themselves in the middle of the standings, and in the middle of what is sure to be a very tumultuous few weeks.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Penguins Scorch Scorpions
Walpole, MA – The Provo Penguins scorched the Scorpions, and once again proved that they cannot be beat on the third Monday in February 2012. The Penguins came out strong, scoring three-goals in the first period, and never looked back. The goals came from the dynamic-duo of Hickey and Hickey, with the third goal being deposited by Tragakis. Tragakis’ goal was recorded as the ‘most complete’ goal in OML history.
“It was a thing of beauty,” exclaimed Sherwood after the game. “I took it around the back of the net, found my boy Lutfy, and passed him the puck. Lutfy turned and just manage to touch the puck to slow it down, so Tragakis could take a slap-shot from ten feet out, and drill-it top left corner. It was the stuff dreams are made of…dirty, nasty dreams...”
In the 2nd period, Bilbo and Rob Tenaglia scored two more goals, making their line one of the most formidable during the game.
“I think Sniper was holding us back a bit,” admitted Rob Tenaglia, who is now being referred to as the ‘Real Youngblood’. “I probably could have scored two or three more goals if he wasn’t such a lame ass. So he can skate really, really fast and can puck handle to make your head-spin, but that is not what our line is about. We are all about equal opportunity scoring as you can see, because we even let the Canadian score.”
In the third period, S. Hickey scored, as well as Sherwood who shoved the shiv into the heart of the Scorpions by scoring an empty netter to give the Penguins a 7-4 victory. The win keeps the Penguins smack-dab in the middle of the standings, and clearly says they are a pretty good team.
An honorable mention goes out to Kenney, who apparently hasn’t skated in about three months, and looked like he was going to bust a spleen on the ice. With no training and no skating, a red-faced Kenney managed to anchor the three-man defensive line, taking 11 second shifts in order to give his defensive partners a break. The only downside was that his water broke multiple times while he skated, which left huge puddles of water on the ice that his teammates had to contend with.
“Sean would like to thank all his fans,” stated Dr. Francis Cowell, Kenney’s personal team-assigned physician. “He is currently receiving a blood transfusion, and resting comfortably in the locker room. We are doing all we can to ensure he is ready for the next game.”
“It was a thing of beauty,” exclaimed Sherwood after the game. “I took it around the back of the net, found my boy Lutfy, and passed him the puck. Lutfy turned and just manage to touch the puck to slow it down, so Tragakis could take a slap-shot from ten feet out, and drill-it top left corner. It was the stuff dreams are made of…dirty, nasty dreams...”
In the 2nd period, Bilbo and Rob Tenaglia scored two more goals, making their line one of the most formidable during the game.
“I think Sniper was holding us back a bit,” admitted Rob Tenaglia, who is now being referred to as the ‘Real Youngblood’. “I probably could have scored two or three more goals if he wasn’t such a lame ass. So he can skate really, really fast and can puck handle to make your head-spin, but that is not what our line is about. We are all about equal opportunity scoring as you can see, because we even let the Canadian score.”
In the third period, S. Hickey scored, as well as Sherwood who shoved the shiv into the heart of the Scorpions by scoring an empty netter to give the Penguins a 7-4 victory. The win keeps the Penguins smack-dab in the middle of the standings, and clearly says they are a pretty good team.
An honorable mention goes out to Kenney, who apparently hasn’t skated in about three months, and looked like he was going to bust a spleen on the ice. With no training and no skating, a red-faced Kenney managed to anchor the three-man defensive line, taking 11 second shifts in order to give his defensive partners a break. The only downside was that his water broke multiple times while he skated, which left huge puddles of water on the ice that his teammates had to contend with.
“Sean would like to thank all his fans,” stated Dr. Francis Cowell, Kenney’s personal team-assigned physician. “He is currently receiving a blood transfusion, and resting comfortably in the locker room. We are doing all we can to ensure he is ready for the next game.”
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Penguins Shelled, Team Bus Ready
Walpole, MA – The Penguins ran straight into a wall last night, falling into the Wings game-plan, and taking a pounding from their divisional leaders. In the first meeting between these two teams, the Penguins played physically and skated away with a win. Last night, the Penguins tried to match them finesse-wise on the ice, and limped-away with a 6-1 loss.
“It is ultimately my fault,” stated Tragakis, who was curled up in the fetal position in front of his locker after the game. “I told a few guys to play a clean game. I thought I mentioned that we need to score goals too, but apparently no one heard me. Next time, forget the goals! We just need some physicality out there!”
The only goal for the Penguins came off a pass from Hickey to Sniper in the 3rd period, who took full advantage of the Wings confusion, and drilled one past the goalie.
“We were out of position,” admitted Wings forward Ivan Blochunksi, in a strong Russian accent. “Those pigs got lucky, and a few of our guys felt sorry for them too. So we let them score. We will kill them the next time we see them too!”
Physical play and a desire to win is what the Penguins will need to take down this team the next time they meet.
On a different note, the Penguins team bus is now ready! After a few minor setbacks, the custom design work is now complete and the bus is ready for its engine to be overhauled! The expectation is that the bus will be ready for the ‘Flightless Bird Summer Hockey Tour’, which is planned for August.
“We are not sure what year yet,” Scott Flathers Penguins team spokesman noted, when asked about the August completion time-frame. “The goal right now is 2013, but since the world ends in 2012, the bus will need some serious work on the suspension, shocks, struts and ability to withstand your standard Armageddon. This could set us back a few years.”
If the bus is not ready in time, the plan is to have a walking, hockey-tour of downtown Walpole. In either case the players are ready.
“There was a game last night?” questioned Bilbo, who was eating doughnuts at one of his twelve Dunkin Donuts franchises. “I responded via email saying I was a "maybe", and then I later responded that I was "in". So it is obvious when I did not show that I didn't know about the game. I mean how could I know really, since I only sent two emails basically confirming my knowledge of the game? I am Canadian, and it will take a lot more than that before I can know such a thing, heh!"
“It is ultimately my fault,” stated Tragakis, who was curled up in the fetal position in front of his locker after the game. “I told a few guys to play a clean game. I thought I mentioned that we need to score goals too, but apparently no one heard me. Next time, forget the goals! We just need some physicality out there!”
The only goal for the Penguins came off a pass from Hickey to Sniper in the 3rd period, who took full advantage of the Wings confusion, and drilled one past the goalie.
“We were out of position,” admitted Wings forward Ivan Blochunksi, in a strong Russian accent. “Those pigs got lucky, and a few of our guys felt sorry for them too. So we let them score. We will kill them the next time we see them too!”
Physical play and a desire to win is what the Penguins will need to take down this team the next time they meet.
On a different note, the Penguins team bus is now ready! After a few minor setbacks, the custom design work is now complete and the bus is ready for its engine to be overhauled! The expectation is that the bus will be ready for the ‘Flightless Bird Summer Hockey Tour’, which is planned for August.
“We are not sure what year yet,” Scott Flathers Penguins team spokesman noted, when asked about the August completion time-frame. “The goal right now is 2013, but since the world ends in 2012, the bus will need some serious work on the suspension, shocks, struts and ability to withstand your standard Armageddon. This could set us back a few years.”
If the bus is not ready in time, the plan is to have a walking, hockey-tour of downtown Walpole. In either case the players are ready.
“There was a game last night?” questioned Bilbo, who was eating doughnuts at one of his twelve Dunkin Donuts franchises. “I responded via email saying I was a "maybe", and then I later responded that I was "in". So it is obvious when I did not show that I didn't know about the game. I mean how could I know really, since I only sent two emails basically confirming my knowledge of the game? I am Canadian, and it will take a lot more than that before I can know such a thing, heh!"
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